How to listen to Music with a Cochlear Implant.

I thought I'd post this after a comment by Jennifer.

Using a cochlear implant is literally a learning experience, learning to hear in a new way all over again. I've learnt that the trick, about music, radio etc.. is, seeing your glass as half FULL as opposed to half EMPTY. If you have that attitude, you're already half way there. I have often emphasised that it's not perfect, music is sometimes a bit flat and weird, especially with music that usese large variations of pitch or if the singer has a high pitched voice, but it's so much better than nothing!

The trick, I found, is to start with something that is possibly instrumental - not classical as that is a bit too complex (even now I find it a bit hodge-podgey) - but possibly with one that uses base quite alot - seeing that most deaf people have I found the Shadows perfectly adequate for my initial needs (do you have them in the US) then moved to familiar music, and am once in a while listening to a song i don't know.

Keep your expectations low, and you're sure to be satisfied.

Mp3 player.. and credit card bill!

I tested my MP3 player today. The silly thing is that MP3 players come with a 2.5mm socket and corresponding earphones, while normal headphones (and my audio cable) come with a 3.5mm plug. So I'm searching around for one, with limited success. As luck would have it, next week I'm off to England and I will be walking past a Maplin electronics store on the way to my appointment so I'll buy it there.

Yesterday, our credit card bill arrived, and it was SCARY! I couldn't but help feel guilty seeing how much we've been spending on my CI, which is one of the reasons why I'm really determined to make the best of it and to use it as well as possible and get as much as I can out of it. Luckily, next week I'll be using a staff ticket from my dad so the financial blow will be reduced somewhat, but I can't help but think about how much this all cost. So, if you're thinking about getting a CI, the cost is one of the things to consider. If you live abroad like I do, they go up correspondingly. I calculate that we've to spend about Lm660 (that's £1000) in taxes, surcharges and landing fees alone this year, and I'm not talking about airfares!

I think I'll find someone I can sell my left kidney to to make up! :(

Jean Michel Jarre

I happened to be listening to some music, and out of the blue, I recognised the music from "Oxygene (Part IV)" by Jean Michel Jarre. Now, big deal you might say. However, it's one thing listening to a song that I can identify by the name - as memory plays a part, picking up the tune and linking what I am hearing to what I remember, but actually picking up the tune from what I am hearing and correlating it randomly what is in my memory is very different and much more different...

Is there anyone in the world who loves music as much as I do? My MP3 player arrived in the post today, can't wait :)

Sound quality

Gradually, slowly, it seems that what I am hearing is sounding more and more normal by the day, with the notable exception of cars (which still sound like the demented horsemen of the apocalypse!) and children whilst throwing a tantrum (which sound like high-pitched, squawking dervishes), amongst other sounds. However, speech is pretty clear, and in most cases I can get along and understand. Funnily enough, people who tend to be soft spoken are best now, with loud people being more difficult to understand. I also found it interesting that the most unnatural sounding voice is my father's. My reasoning is that his is the one that is most familiar from my normal 'hearing' days, and the difference is distinct enough to be noticeable in my memory. I have never heard Mandy with my 'real' ears, for example, so I wouldn't know what she's really supposed to sound like.

Music is sounding more and more rounded by the day, although, inexplicably, some CD's sound very faint to the point of being inaudible. On the other hand, my Beatles CD sounds as good as it ever did, if anything, better. I can't believe I managed for so many years without music, maybe it's still a bit of a novelty for me but I can't put my CD player down, there's several CD's I've listened to daily since I started again. I've also invested in an MP3 player, which is, I believe, a more wieldy manner of listening to music than carrying around CD's like I'm doing now.

In the meantime, I'm wondering if maybe I need my volume to be bumped up next week when I'm over in Manchester?

This is my comments list for my new mapping session:

1) Children's voices - when they scream/shout sound metallic and grating - unbearably so at times. Also pitch goes downwards as opposed to upwards
2) Buses still whistle (but less so)
3) Music - some music sounds very faint - almost inaudible, in the intro then builds up. I remember the particular music and shouldn't sound so different in volume (actual tune sounds ok).
4) Males on the phone not as clear as females. Sometimes males sound muffled.
5) Music - sung music sometimes sounds flat but not always, tonal differences are not so obvious. Instrumental is perfect at times.
6) Battery consumption is approx 2.25 days. Availability of rechargeable ones?
7) Flap for accessory is flimsy. What happens if it comes off? (there's a sort of rubber flap covering the shoe for the personal audio cable. It's made of a cheapish looking rubber and I'm worried it'll come off eventually).

Music query

Wondering out loud about this... do other implantees find music as good as I do? Currently, I'm listening to the Shadows, which is instrumental, and the depth of the music is incredible, far better than anything that I got with hearing aids, some others are not so good. I tried a Barbara Streisand CD and it was so-so. Maybe because the shadows is mostly using electic guitars which are supposed to sound electronic? I don't know. Whichever way, I'm not so bothered, I'm just curious.

Currently being played: Parisienne Walkways. Lovely! :)

Parenthood

Am I the only parent that wishes that children come with 'off' switches?!?! Maria is SOOOO talkative, I never realised this. It's so sweet and touching, what I find amazing is that she sort of knows I'm hearing her. Before, she used to use her own sign language with me, and her own form of speech. She stopped doing that.

"Pa-pe-ri-no"(her pet name for me)
"What qalbi?" (that's what, my heart)
"Are you eating?"
"Yes I am."
"Are you hungry"
"Yes I'm quite hungry so I'm eating."
"Is your food good?"
"Yes it's good, it's like yours, eat it up like a good girl"
"mmmm.. I like chicken"
"So do I"
"I like potatoes"
"So do I"
"I like your cooking papa"
"So do I"
"I like pasta too"
"Can we see Flopsy?" (her pet rabbit)
"Not now, she's asleep."
"Is she asleep?"
"Yes she is."
"In bed?"
"Yes."
"Did she eat first?"
"Yes."
etc etc

Gradual Improvement

I might not notice the improvement that I've been having when it happens, but I DO know there's an improvement that is happening. Yesterday, we met up with some friends, and normally, when I'm driving, the guys stays up front with me and the girl stays at the back to talk to Mandy. We met them on Sunday too - and I could then hear the conversation they were having, but not understand them. Yesterday, on the drive to Mdina where we spent the evening, I could not only hear them, I could *understand* too.. not all of the conversation, but enough to listen in and interrupt Mandy with words of wisdom - great fun :)

Something else that's interesting, I'm hearing my own cooking sound. I remember once seeing a chef on a TV programme saying that cooking is a mixture of all of the senses, including hearing. How right he is! I was fascinated to learn that when a sauce is almost thick enough to use, it starts to make a deeper boop boop sound, as opposed to a fizzing sound when it's boiling down. When the oil is ready in a pan for stir frying it starts to make a particular sound, I hear the water boiling in the pot for the pasta. Yesterday, I made a toastie (that's a sealed toasted sandwich) for Maria, my daughter, and I could hear the cheese sizzling and bubbling inside the toaster.

I must say that reaching where I am hasn't been easy. It's involved alot of determination and straining to hear different things, trying to identify them. Many sounds still sound distorted - buses still whistle, for instance, but I can hear the bus sound under the whistle now. But it's been so worth it!

Jennifer, thank you for your comments! I know how you feel - the apprehension, anticipation and excitement that builds up is very hard to keep under control. All I can say is, for the first day or so, you'll feel unsure that you made a good decision, I certainly did. But be patient, and work HARD on it. It will pay back, I promise. I've been deaf for 21 years, although not as deaf as I was when I had my operation, but I could never pick up the amount of sound I'm picking up now. As I am now, I have a 'mild' hearing loss that doesn't even need to be corrected. If you're lucky, you'll be the same. Good luck!

Music

Music is so beautiful! I've just run down my second set of CD batteries since last Saturday. It's just awesome. At work, I spend the whole day just allowing the music to wash over me while I work. I don't think anyone in the world has a CD collection that has been so thoroughly dusted off.. I must be listening to about 6-7 hours solid of music every day (currently playing: Eleanor Rigby, by the Beatles, I "met" her in Liverpool a week ago when I saw a statue of Eleanor Rigby in the Cavern area). Not all music is clear, alas, and not all instruments. Some songs seem sort of muted, and the sound relatively flat. Some seems muffled, but some seems perfect. Some sounds perfectly natural - as it used to when I had normal hearing.

This journey has been so, so hard on the morale, it's been uphill throughout. Painful at times, difficult, heartbreaking... but just for the sake of hearing my daughter's voice and holding coherent conversations with her and listening to Paul McCartney singing about Father McKenzie writing the words of a sermon that no-one will hear... it was worth it. I heard Tragedy by the Bee Gees a few minutes ago.. I hadn't heard it for at least 21 years as it was never clear enough for me with the hearing aid.

For anyone who is currently in the process of obtaining a cochlear implant, I will not kid you and say the process is easy. When I am tired, sounds turn all horrid again. the process is nerve wracking and long. The initial switch on is almost disappointing, sounds are so terrible.. but with time, things cannot but improve. I've come very far in these 11 days and these are still early days, so I'm looking forward.

Cavatina, a reprise.

If you have been following my blog for some time, you might be aware of a posting I made about Cavatina, my favourite piece of music. The posting is here. Anyway, at that time I was thinking out loud whether to take a CD of my favourite piece of music with me as a form of auditory therapy, for the simple reason that this particular music is very familiar with me. I still remember the sensation of wistful thinking, wondering if I would ever be able to hear that music again.

On Saturday, in the morning, I decided to pop the CD in my wife's CD player. At the worst, I would hear a jumble of sounds, and it would go back to the jewel case. I had a sense of deja-vu as I played exactly the same album I had played the first time when I lost my hearing, and tried music with my hearing aid, some 20 years ago. My dad had a CD by the Shadows, called String of Hits. I remembered the feeling of elation when I could hear music that time, albeit blurred and with the different chords merging into each other.

I went to the living room, put the CD into the player.. and pressed play. I held my breath.. and... the waves of music came through the processor and flooded my brain with those long-forgotten sensations, the sound of music.. I could practically feel the endorphins being released into my bloodstream... I felt goosepimples going down my spine and I shivered.. I felt tears going down my face as I realised that I could get every single chord of Hank Williams playing this most beautiful piece of music. I could hear the rhythm guitar, the drums, I could even hear the riff - even the resonance of the guitar - a sound I had forgotten about, it had been so long since I heard it. I was so thankful - here I was, just 4 weeks after my surgery for my cochlear implant, when I was, in hindsight, almost pathetically hoping for, at least, some improvement of speech perception, and now I was hearing my favourite piece of music for the first time in years. I felt a thirst, an urge to listen to every CD I had. I feverishly dusted off long-forgotten CD's and played them all. I played the Shadows - Saturday Night Fever - Eric Clapton - Queen - Sting... all sorts of music I hadn't heard for so long that were a balm on my soul. And that point, I felt a freedom, a joy in my heart I cannot start to describe on these pages. Through this miracle of technology, I was hearing again. I was ALIVE!

First day back at work at work

Thursday was my first day back at work.. and an eye opener. My friends were so pleased to see me because they knew that effectively it was payback time for all of the hard graft of the past 2 years.

I was shocked to see how much I was understanding people. I couldn't believe that my understanding was so effortless and easy, in the noisy and echoing environment of our office. I explained everything to my friends and temporarily became flavour of the month, as my colleagues were fascinated by the technology involved in the cochlear implant (technology geeks never change!) I marvelled at the layers of sound in my office - the sound of the different telephones.. the mobile phones, the clicking of mice, the tappety-tap of keyboards. People's voices murmuring in the background. Someone's laugh from the distance. The door slamming when people came in. The rustling of the chocolate box (from the obligatory holiday chocs I brought). The ambulance in the distance through the double glazing, the rumble of traffic outside. It was amazing!

I decided to pick up the phone and call Mandy. And for the first time ever in our relationship, we had the seblance of a conversation on the phone. I felt on top of the world! Here I was, talking to Mandy on the phone, and understanding practically everything she was telling me! Amazing, for those of you who haven't experienced hearing loss, you've no idea what a triumph this was for me, being able to hear - and understand, my wife's voice on the phone.

Something else that was interesting. On the way to work, I obviously drove, and didn't hear the indicator ticking, and didn't consciously take any notice. When I got to work, I realise I hadn't heard it. On the way back, I looked for it and heard it, tick tick tick. After that, the clicking of the indicator was, well, part of the scenery!

In the evening we went to Mandy's brother's house. It was just wonderful, the only problem was Maria and my niece, Rebekah, obviously have a very high pitched voice, and this sounds very weird when they shout like all children do, so excited children's voices were just distorted into the cawing of a seagull reproduced through a battered loudhailer. Not pleasant at all. If anything, very horrible. That's something I must tell the CI department in the UK, maybe they can adjust that. What is interesting is that when a child's voice is raised, instead of the pitch going up, as expected, the tone becomes 'flattened' and becomes an electronic whine which is very grating. Not painful, not too loud, just, frankly the most horrible sound one can imagine. My first real let-down with the CI.

Last day in the UK

On my last day in the UK, I met up with Karen who is a hearing therapist. She discussed my progess and was pretty pleased! We also discussed the accessories that one has with the implant.

The discussion then moved to the phone and music. First, music, she told me that some implantees can get a measure of pleasure from music, and that it was just a question of repetition and perseverance. I told her I was determined to get some music into me! Anyway, then we discussed the phone. She showed me three BT phones, all of which were amplified and suitable for a person with a hearing loss. She told me to put my speech processor on the T coil, and went to another room, and spoke to me. I was taken aback! I was understanding practically everything that she was telling me! Fair enough, she was speaking very clearly and I had a gist of what the subject was but I was amazed that I could understand her. We then tried out a mobile accessory that works similar to a hands free, and, while less clear than a normal phone, it too was clear and relatively understandeable.

We then left to 'face the world' for 3 weeks until my next appointment in the UK. After wasting time (frankly!) it was time for us to go to the airport. We checked in, after a minor hassle regarding the extra, small bag I had with my Cochlear Implant accessories (they wouldn't let me take it on board as it is still a strictly one small bag. We then went through the xray thingy (and I had a hand-scan) and we were in the departures. I was well aware of the "bing boong" that comes before the announcer says something. I cocked my head at one point and heard "bing boong.. may I have your attention please" - and there it was, my first full sentence heard - and understood through a speaker. After some time we boarded the plane and when we took off I realised how much my CI was turning the volume of the plane down. Much to my disappointment the landing was very muted - but a very reasonable price to pay!

We were met by my father in law who was overjoyed to see us. I was amazed to hear his car's sound on the drive back. When he accelerated it seemed to buzz and fart at the same time rather than the flat roar I was used to. I wonder if that's what the car is supposed to sound like now? The roads were clear and quiet at 3 am. We arrived at home, where my mother in law greeted me with the threat of quarreling with me even more now I can understand her, and then, I ran straight to Maria's bedroom where Maria was asleep in her bed. Together with Mandy, I woke her gently, and she opened her eyes and smiled. I waited with bated breath and then she spoke to me. I couldn't help getting emotional when I realised that even with her sleep laden sleep, I was understanding every single word she was telling me. It was working! Her voice was very distorted and strange and when she moved up to a higher pitch for some reason her voice sounded FLATTER rather than shriller, but I was understanding her! Such an emotional moment! I then literally collapsed into bed (it was about 345am) in preparation for a day's work the next day.

Day 6 - another map.

I had another appointment today, this time with Amy. I filled her in with my progress so far and she was pretty pleased. My map was fine tuned slightly and I was switched on. Sounds were a bit better now! She replaced my third program (Whisper) with ADRO as I found Whisper particularly useless. Adro functions similarly to auto-sensitivity in that it automatically lowers volumes to a more comfortable level, while leaving the frequencies that speech is on untouched. When I told Amy about the acoustically challenging environment I work in (open plan, lots of people and tiled office) she felt that this was a good program for me.

Anyway, at this point she told me that it was the norm for people to do a test after a week to see how far they progress. She told me not to feel discouraged if my results were relatively poor. So I went in the next room and started the audiogram. Once concluded, Amy told me that with my CI I had a very minor hearing loss of about 10 decibels less than what a normal person would have - and on low tones I was at a normal level! This was flabbergasting to say the least! I could, in essence, hear anything louder than someone breathing from 3 metres away!

I then had the '80's gentleman test I had had a few months before. The results of that particular test can be seen here. Amy was so happy when she told me that my understanding was at 88% with lipreading and 41% without. This is just 5 days after my switch on so it was a triumph to say the least. I was so pleased with this! Even though I KNEW I was getting much more understanding of what was being said, this was proof for me that it was fact.

Day 5 - a milestone?

Day 5 was a relative milestone. We went to Liverpool, and went on a walking tour (basically we just bought a £1.25 map from WH Smith that describes the route to follow around Liverpool!) We decided to have lunch in the Beatles local pub. There was background music in the Pub and I was now getting used to this novelty. However, a particular drum rift caught my attention and I realised that I knew that particular song... I told Mandy, "I know this song". She was surprised, and she told me that she didn't know what the song was, but she knew that it had a phrase going "Billy, don't be a hero, don't make a fool out of me". All of a sudden it clicked, and I remembered that part of the song was whistled. She confirmed this, and here I was, amazed that I was recognising music I hadn't heard for a very very long time, probably since I was a little boy.

Day 4 after switch on

Not much to report from this day, but we went to York and took a Tour Bus around York, and I managed to get bits and pieces of the commentary on the bus.

I heard children's voices for the first time. Sounded terrible!

Switch on, day 3.

Day three took us to the Lake District. The clickety click on the train was very distinctive and strangely pleasing to the point it was almost musical! I heard the conductor asking me for my tickets. As we got there, I asked the bus driver on a bus we got on for tickets to Bowness. He told me that I was on the wrong bus. Asked him for the bus number. he said same bus number, but see that it shows Bowness as it splits. I Got down, feeling like the cat that got the cream (or rather, than understood every word that was said!)

We got on the boat taking us to Ambleside, and I heard the seagulls cawing mournfully. I heard the chair we sat on squeaking, and heard the commentary (didn't understand it though). We got to Ambleside and walked to the town, a mile away. I could hear my trainers (sneakers for American readers!!!) making a sort of squeaky, rubbery sound on the tarmac. We bought a map and walked in the countryside. The sounds! I drank them down like a fine wine.. the skittering of the leaves blown by the wind on the ground.. the sound of the waterfall was more distinctly "waterfally" than the previous day too (we had seen a small waterfall at Lyme Park). My feet on the loam made a muffled flup flup sound. The leaves moved with the wind and made a whispery sound. We got back to the road and heard the mooing of a cow, the bleating of the sheep. I heard the juddering sound of a gate when we opened it. I noticed the click that my camera makes when I took a photo and the electronic sound (for lack of a better adjective!)

I felt revitalised, refreshed, relaxed. I didn't have to stare like a Zombie to understand speech anymore, so I was more mentally alert. I felt a new me flowing through my veins. Life is great!

Day 2

My first day went past pretty rapidly, even though i was not quite prepared for the horrible, and I mean horrible, quality of sound that was reaching my brain. People's voices sounded like screeches, buses didn't sound like cars but whistled past, doors sounded like the gateways to hell, plastic bags sounded like a torture device that only the inquisitors could think up!

Day 2 post-switch on was basically more of the same of day 1, we went through the process of sorting out my map and raised the ranges somewhat to cater for my auditory nerve's newly found capacity for louder sound. At first the new map seemed a bit too loud so we lowered the volume a little, which was more comfortable. I was also loaded with 3 new programs, my processor at this time just had program 1 (default) and autosensitivity.

I also had whisper (which raises the volume of quieter sound) and beam added to my program list. We decided to spend the rest of the day at a beautiful stately home called Lyme Park. We caught a train (and was pretty pleased to hear the clickety click of the train wheels!) and I could vaguely hear the announcer announcing where we were. obviously not understanding a word but it was a good start. My mobile bleep bleep (the sound of the sms messages coming in) was also pretty distinctive. I could hear the prffffrrrt sound of the gas escaping from a cola bottle when I opened it. I heard the floorboards creaking when I walked, the tap running from the bathroom when I was in the bedroom in the hotel, I heard cars passing by three floors down in the hotel.. a lovely plethora of sound, if still unnatural and blurred.

Anyway, at Lyme park, I was fascinated to understand the people we spoke to, when we asked for assistance. Normally I would have hidden behind Mandy but i was, all of a sudden, gaining a new confidence in my hearing capacity and capability to understand complete strangers. The sound of my feet on the grass was exhilarating. The rustling of the trees, captivating, the burble of water in a fountain, fascinating (lots of ings in my vocabulary, all of a sudden!) Then, suddenly, I heard a sound from the distance and was taken a back. Surely that wasn't a bird? Yes it was... after 21 years I was hearing the sound of birds again.. that musical, beautiful tweet of a bird that was the first thing I noticed missing when I lost my hearing 21 years ago. I think this was the point when I thought, hey, I can do this! I was just amazed at the sound of the fountain at this particular place and I'll always remember Lyme Park as being the place when I started my slow trudge back to the hearing world again.

Switched on!

Hi everyone, we're back from the UK! We got home at 3am Malta time so we're quite tired, but so happy that everything went well (opps, looks like I disclosed my story before it started then!)

Anyway, I will try and submit an entry for each day that we were in the UK.

On Thursday, 7th September Mandy and I boarded KM138 for Manchester. We were nervous, tired and already worried about our daughter, Maria who we left behind. Personally I was feeling positive but still apprehensive about what was in front of me - what I was going to find waiting for me, so to speak. After landing, we went to our hotel, and killed time for an hour until my appointment.

Upon arrival at the Cochlear Implant Unit at the University of Manchester, I was greeted by Deborah and Carina who were to proceed with my switch-on. I was hooked up with the computer, and things started relatively badly, as I was getting no response from the implant. Uhoh, I went, is my implant a dead duck before I've even started? Luckily, they noticed that my profile was the wrong one, and set for an old implant (which is the default implant for the software) and not the Cochlear Freedom. Once my profile was set up, communication was established with the implant, and the electrode picture showed the different electrodes lighting up and showing response. Relief!

We then proceeded through a sort of beep-beep test, where each electrode was set for my minimum and maximum levels. Once that was done, I had to show the comfort level for each sound I was hearing, ranging from very soft to comfortable but loud. Then final process was hearing three beeps which were supposed to be of a roughly identical level of noise. I noticed that my tolerance for mid-high tones was not as good as the other ones, but just slightly different.

Anyway, the 'magic' moment had arrived. Carina warned me that what I would hear would probably be very unpleasant and grating. I told her I was ready for this, as I'd been told by my friends from the implant world. Anyway, she promptly turned me on, there was a sort of tune which showed that the electrodes were functioning, then on I went.. and.....

NOISE! NOISE! HORRIBLE SOUNDS! I had been warned that it would be awful but I was taken aback by how BAD things sounded! As it is, I heard Carina AND Mandy talking and they sounded absolutely nothing like the normal. If I had to hear a Dalek with laryngitis speaking through a loud hailer, I think it would sound better! It was so bad I didn't realise I was actually hearing, my mind didn't accept it for a couple of seconds. Then I heard Carina move a plastic folder, and it make a horrid rustling sound, and I said, I heard that! then we proceeded to speak to each other to test that it was all functioning. All was well. After some more fine tuning, I went out into the NOISY, NOISY world! The door leading to the CI unit made a sound that wasn't remotely like the door, but sounded more like the wailing of the damned. Everything sounded so strange. My shoes made a fascinating squeaky scraping sound, my breathing was so noisy, my voice was awful, sounding like a drum beating when I spoke. Mandy sounded almost like a Mandy but in a very nasal, tinny way. Buses didn't sound anything like a bus at all - more like a farting squealing ghost. Then, Mandy made a test for me. She closed my eyes, and said something. I replied, Judge Judy (she had said Judge Gino, who is her boss, but it sounded like Judge Judy). She then said, Jelly Babies - I replied, relatively quizzically, German Babies?! this was all in a very noisy environment, 20 minutes after switch on. We got on a bus. Awful, grating screech when the brakes were applied. We caught a tram to Salford Quays. I was fascinated by the bleep bleep bleep bleep that the soon to close doors made. We entered the shopping village and I was inundated by sound - people talking, escalators, all sorts of noise. Then I was faintly aware of a repetitive sound. I asked Mandy, what's that? She told me it was the music played in the background. I was fascinated by this because I'd never heard 'muzak' before and I instantly understood why people hate it so much!

Leaving, I heard a rustling sound and I was amazed to hear that it was the leaves on trees, blowing in the wind. For some reason the sound of my shoes moving on a carpet fascinated me and I found myself like a two year old moving my foot and listening, soaking all the sounds up absorbing it all in and enjoying it. We then went to the food hall for a jacket potato and some fish and chips for me. The sound of the crunching of the fish in my mouth was fascinating, the squelch of the knife in the potato was quite strange too. All of a sudden I heard a horrible, screeching, sound - it was a woman placing all the chairs in their place and scraping them on the floor. Early days yes, but a move in the right direction. Conclusion - this is pretty difficult, but the hearing world is SO Beautiful!!!!

More to follow....

Switch on

So the day is finally here, when we go to England again for the switch-on. The culmination, so to speak, of a 2 year journey towards obtaining a cochlear implant.

What am I expecting? At the best, tomorrow, some awareness of basic environmental sounds (keyboards clicking, indicators ticking etc), and maybe some consciousness of speech. I'm not expecting too much - I'm afraid to, just in case I get 'devastated' so to speak. Some people have gone into switch-ons expecting to be infused with kryptonite and suddenly hear ants walking outside the room when in fact it is very much more crude and sounds are just, well, vague sounds to begin with.

In some ways I'm glad Maria isn't going to be there - she's not coming with us by the way. My reasoning behind this is that I'll have already spent a week with my implant switched on when I see her, so I would be in a better position to be responsive to her voice.

I would love to take something with familiar sounds - some time back I wondered out loud about taking a CD of my favourite music with me, not to approach it from a musical sense of things - as I know it would sound horrid, but to try and trigger my auditory training somewhat "Oh, the sound I remember as being this way is now to sound that way from now onwards" - that kind of approach. But then, I think it is more important to focus on 'generic', ambient sound for the time being, after all, most of what people hear is ambient sound (noise?) I can say this for sure - I'll never be so glad to hear noise as I expect to hear tomorrow!

Am I excited? Well, to be honest, not really. Before one starts to look at me in an incredulous manner, it is still difficult for me (and Mandy, as has been seen from the previous post) to believe that I've actually been implanted and that tomorrow is, to use an expression I read once, "the first day of the rest of my life". I sometimes have to reach behind my left ear and feel the scar to realise that I'm not in a dream, that I'm not in that state of limbo I was in between January and May, not knowing if I was going to be accepted or not, or that condition of innocence, I would say, that I was in prior to my January assessment, or even my naivete of a couple of years back when I started this expedition, not knowing the trials and tribulations I was in for.

What have I gained? Amongst other things, knowledge of the people who really love me and respect me. I always knew Mandy loves me but she was so much of a backbone for me even when I was at my lowest, that I am in awe of her strength and love and caring. At times I felt she was even more committed to me getting the implant than I was - not, I hasten to add - to fix me, as she always loved me as I was, deaf or not, but because she knew that it was something I wanted so much. I have had the love and support of my family and friends that gave me an inner strength when I thought I could not reach into myself anymore, when I was faced with the terrible prospect of my slowly dying ears snuffing out and having no means to fix them. Having experienced such a terrible feeling is the reason why idiotic, puerile comments I've received such as me taking the easy way out really made my blood boil. Taking the easy way out would have been maintaining the status quo and sitting there like a frightened rabbit in the lights of an approaching car. Going through such an uphill trail and beating a path, the hard way, to getting the implant really is the HARD way, I believe. But anyway, I digress.

What else have I gained? I think I gained a certain self-respect that I had lacking for some time. I was terrified of the prospect of four weeks of silence more than I was of the surgery itself. I was convinced I'd be banging my head against the wall after being taken over by tinnitus. As it is, I made it. How, I don't know. But I made it, and it is a matter of pride for me.

I have also been driven by a personal commitment, to help people who are undecided about cochlear implants, to make a reasoned decision. The kind of incredibly uninformed, sometimes stupid comments I've received from people both in the 'real-world' as well as the online one have spurred me to provide an information source about cochlear implants, in an unbiaised manner, but at the same time in a first person sense. "The doctor cut your nerve didn't he?" "Oh I don't want to have a cochlear implant because it's brain surgery" "cochlear implants are made by evil horrid doctors out to make a fast buck out of defenceless, helpless deaf people" - I would love to become a volunteer, an advocate so to speak, to do my bit to eradicate this information short-circuit. I wonder how to do this - does anyone know how this is done?

Anyway, I doubt I'll be able to comment on the blog on a daily basis, but I'll try and keep track of what happens while I'm in the UK, and will report, hopefully, in a week's time. For now, it's over and out.

Love

Ivan

Switch on day is tomorrow!

Switch on day is finally here. It is funny that even though we have been waiting for this to happen for so long, I still have difficulty to believe that it is finally here. Ivan has been one strong person during this waiting. He is not hearing a thing right now, and yet he has managed to get through these four weeks in an impressive way. I can count the times that I heard him complaining on the fingers of one hand. You would not tell what a difficult period this has been for him, and I only realise how hard it must be for him when I force myself to imagine me in his situation.

Ivan, you have demonstrated enormous strength of character. To say that you have made me proud is a gross understatement. I believe that you deserve a turn of events in your life now. I am so glad that you have such a wonderful opportunity awaiting you. We are onto something very exciting:) I pray that all goes well tomorrow, and that you enjoy your journey to regaining sounds. More than anything, I count the days until we return home from the UK so that you hear Maria’s voice. I have decided to wake her up when we return, even though it will be the middle of the night. She sounds great Ivan:) Well done Ivan, the waiting is over for you my dear. Now you have so much to look forward to!

Another CI manufacturer

I found another manufacturer of Cochlear implants by chance - Neurelec. They have a 20 channel BTE and body-worn implant, and are based in France, with offices in the UK, Germany and the Middle East. If someone has been implanted with this device do let me know as I'm interested in knowing more about it.

Time left until Cochlear Implant Switch on

There's another 69 hours to go until we fly off to Manchester.

Now, of those 69 hours, I spend 9 hours a day X 3 at work.. thus 27 hours accounted for.

8 hours a day X 3 are spent asleep, thus 24 hours.. totalling 51 accounted for.

Of the remaining 18 hours, I spend about 20 minutes a day making lunch for work (and school) us. For 2 more days, that's 40 minutes.

I spend 20 minutes driving each way to work. Another 5 trips are left, leaving 100 minutes.

That's 140 minutes or 2 hours, 20 minutes. 15 hours, 40 minutes unaccounted for.

I spend about 90 minutes a day cooking and eating supper and cleaning the places. 4.5 hours.

Leaving 11 hours, 10 minutes.

I spend about 40 minutes grooming every day.

Leaving 9 hours, 10 minutes left to fill in from now until take-off. Oh, there's the time getting to the airport, checking in etc - 2 hours.. thus a grand total of 7 hours 10 minutes left to fill in.

Why am I doing this stupid maths? Because I can't wait for the time to be over. It's been tough, not hearing anything!