Hear Again

Long time no see

2007-11-17T09:23:00.000+01:00

I do admit, it's been way too long since I've blogged. I've been super busy recently - Sarah has been keeping us pretty occupied as has Maria, I've had quite a bit of travel over the past month too (and going abroad again Tuesday!) and work hasn't exactly been static recently. Coupled with this, I can honestly say that the novelty of the implant has well and truly worn off. Not a day passes when I am not grateful for this opportunity to live again, and I still do read the occasional article that my google news turns up, but at the end of the day my implant has become a quintessential part of me in the same manner that, say, my spectacles are, or my watch. Something indispensable, but something you don't really notice is there.

I still marvel to this day that I can pick up a phone and call whoever as easy as that, but I don't actively look out for new sounds or try to identify indistinguisable ones with the same gusto that I used to. At the same time this is proof of the fact that this is such a life changing thing. I mean, if it DIDN'T meet my expectations I would think that by now I'd be pretty bitter and upset. I still do emphasise that it's not a party, it's pretty tough actually getting there, but the end result is worth it. It's not perfect hearing but frankly, compared to what I had before, it's manna from heaven.

Facebook

2007-10-09T12:45:00.001+02:00

For those addicts of facebook, I'm at http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=677750851 :)

Yes, I still exist!

2007-10-09T12:19:00.000+02:00

Sorry for not posting recently. What with the baby, a busy time at work and other bits and pieces, unfortunately my blog fell by the wayside. This does not mean that I completely forgot about you, dear readers :) Sarah is a month old tomorrow. I thought I'd post about the experience I've had as a new father with an implant.

Maria came before my final plunge to an auditory abyss. But even then, I was still struggling to see what was going on. At one time Maria was struggling - the birth was a tough one, and she was getting distressed. Although I sensed the undercurrents and could see the worried looks on the midwives' faces, what they were saying was lost to me. To say that I was scared stiff is an understatement - I also had to pretend that everything was great to Mandy. Luckily it all went well.

Sarah, on the other hand - could not have been more different. The birth was relatively easy. the baby's heartbeat was reassuringly frantic on the monitor. I was following every word that the midwife was saying. The actual delivery was so smooth I couldn't believe it. After Mandy's epidural, she was feeling pretty tired so she closed her eyes and rested. A few pushes, and we were proud parents for the second time. The range of emotions that came over me were indescribable. I can honestly say that this last year has been absolutely the most varied, frantic, 'high-low' of my life. I think that Sarah's birth was the highlight. Now, I listen to the sounds that my little daughter makes with wonder. She coos, she sighs, she burps, she farts... all those baby sounds that make a small child so adorable, my little mouse does them all - and then some!

My girls

2007-09-21T18:04:00.000+02:00

I'm not in the habit of using photos in my blog (as a matter of fact, I haven't got a single one) but I *had* to put this one on, as I've been asked for a photo of my two princesses - here goes - Sarah, aged 8 hours, on the left, Maria, the big sister, on the right. I love them to bits and am so proud of them both.

A child is born

2007-09-13T15:57:00.000+02:00

Something unrelated to implants but I really had to mention this. On the 10th September, at 1:38am, Sarah Louise was born. Instantly, I fell in love yet again - I loved her the minute her head popped out and said hi to the world. The amazement I felt seeing my second daughter come out is with me still.

The first birth - Maria, was very tough. Mandy suffered quite a great deal, she couldn't have an epidural anaesthetic as the anaesthesist found it hard to find the 'sweet zone', so to speak. It was a difficult, painful birth for Mandy and it was awful for me just to look at her and try to act calm when in fact I was feeling so helpless about what was going on. So it was with not just a little trepidation that we approached Sarah's birth.

As it is, we needn't have worried. The minute the contractions started getting rough, we were taken into the delivery room and Mandy was given the epidural (worked this time!) She was very calm - then, before we knew it, our little mite was in our hands.

So far, she's been very peaceful. Maria adores her little sister, really taking care of her, stroking her, brushing her hair, singing to her - a proper little mummy. Talking about implants, at least some things have changed now! Firstly, I used to find the process of burping the baby quite stressful with Maria. Since I couldn't actually hear her burp, I had to rely on the sensation of the burp and the smell on her breath (!). Suffice to say burping babies wasn't my greatest skill. Now, at least I can actually hear the burp. I can also marvel at the sounds that babies make - snuffling, mewling, cooing sounds that only babies do. I never realised what these sounds were before, as I don't recall the babies we had in our family prior to my hearing loss. So far, it's been wonderful. I love being a dad of two princesses :)

Minor processor issues

2007-09-02T08:56:00.000+02:00

I had some problems with my processor recently. I noticed that

1) When it's pretty hot (we've had a long hot summer in Malta this year!) the volume seems to go down quite substantially. When I tried auxiliary cables the sound was fine so it was related to the microphones. When temperatures went down, I heard a sort of pop and everything went fine. What I also noticed was that this volume reduction seemed to be 'announced' by a rustling sound similar to the one that you move a cloth against a microphone.

2) I also noticed that, at times, when I switch the processor on, it turns itself off again, then when I turn it back on again, it seems to loop between the Sensitivity settings and the volume. Pressing the sensitivity button seems to lead it to 'hanging' as the on switch doesn't work. The only way to reset is to remove the battery compartment and put it in again.

I reported it to the Manchester CI centre and in their typical efficiency they sent me a new controller, even putting a self addressed padded envelope in for me to send my existing one back - apparently the second problem is a known one. I'm currently with another controller and seeing what happens.

Implementation

2007-08-27T13:20:00.000+02:00

We went live with a site a week or so ago. It happened to be a public holiday, so I was not at work while the site was brought up. Like all IT implementations, this one was quite frantic - things going wrong at the last minute, small issues back and forth. Phone calls here there and everywhere. Mobile phones ringing, calls back and forth. SMS popping up every few minutes.

Then it dawned on me - these things are actions I couldn't have dreamed of just a short year ago. Now, it's easy enough to take these things for granted, but not then - the idea of making a simple phone call even to my wife was such a distant dream.

Sounds of joy...

2007-08-11T18:21:00.001+02:00

My cochlear implant and I have become firm chums, but few things can be considered as more beautiful as interacting with your children. I found communicating with my daughter, Maria, very difficult before I got my implant and she was one of the main driving forces behind me obtaining my implant. Maria is now almost 4 and my implant is now as part of her life as it is my own. When she's annoyed with me (teasing her for instance) she removes the headpiece from me. The other day I shamefully kept my implant plugged in onto the TV when I was listening to a TV programme while I was playing with her. She was pretty angry with me and she cheekily told me to remove the cable right now and almost made me take my processor off too - so it was a matter of negotiation to be allowed to leave my headpiece on!

But.... something even more special happened a few days ago... I guess it's about time to mention to all and sundry that Mandy and I are in the family way again and are expecting our second child in a month or so (yes she IS 8 months pregnant!!!) and... I was so overjoyed to hear our baby's heartbeat - I never heard Maria's so this was especially special for me. The fascinating sound of the frantic bleeps of the heartbeat of that small child yet to be born was something very emotional and particularly moving for me.

A year on.

2007-08-09T07:40:00.000+02:00

A year ago right now, I was sitting in my hospital bed, waiting, waiting waiting. I still remember the thoughts going through my head - the fear, the anticipation, the terror that something would go wrong, the firm conviction that I was doing the right thing. I still remember sitting listlessly in my armchair, watching Argentine football on Five.

What a year it's been. Would I have anticipated that I would be using a phone, listening to music, following meetings? Would I have expected that my family life would have changed so much? What about the career boost that renewing my hearing would give me? Not in a month of Sundays. So today, it's really two birthdays - Mandy's (who is 31 today) and mine - the day I was reborn.

Mobile phones

2007-07-20T20:13:00.000+02:00

About 2 weeks ago, I went fishing with a friend. Since I didn't know where his boat is berthed, I smsed him to tell him I'd arrived (at the unearthly hour of 515am) in the meeting point we'd agreed. He didn't reply so I rang on his mobile and hung up. Shortly after that, I heard the phone ring. I hesitated (since I'd not used a mobile phone for conversations) and then muttered, what the hell.. and answered it. And.. for some reason, it was clear as a bell. I arranged to meet my friend, Mark, and that was that! I've been using my mobile quite frequently recently. It's not always clear, I don't always understand everything, but just imagine, just a year ago I was quivering in my boots, waiting for my operation, not understanding a thing from my poor, destroyed ears!

Just when I thought I'm getting no more improvements...

2007-07-10T10:48:00.001+02:00

I'm in Holland again and was on a bus this morning going to work. And I heard something that even 3 weeks ago was inaudible to me - the click of the indicator on the bus. This is *very* faint to the point that a hearing colleague of mine could barely hear it, it was so faint. I also picked up the sound of the bell which is also quite a faint 'squawk' sound.

It's amazing that even after 10 months I'm seeing change.

A tip..

2007-07-03T12:34:00.000+02:00

It might be common sense for some.. it *is* common sense now I know about it, but it's best that I explain a trick I found out last week when I visited the hospital outpatients last week.

I had complained that it is fiddly to take off the speech processor, press the two buttons simultaneously, plonk it back on again and answer the phone in a short space of time.

I was shown a very simple (at the same time common sense) manner of doing it - just reach behind my ear, and press the buttons at the same time, and there it goes. It's not foolproof, sometimes the switching doesn't work and I end up in the sensitivity setting or the volume one but at least it works!

Change of programme!

2007-06-21T12:44:00.000+02:00

The people from the Manchester Cochlear Implant programme came over to Malta this week, and while they were there they asked me to pop over at the hospital. Since I have just had my tests in Manchester just a few weeks ago it didn't make sense for me to have the tests run again but I took the opportunity to ask for a programme change. I had been toying with taking the plunge and removing the Beam programme which I have, frankly, found pretty useless. In fact, the only circumstances I found it useful was to listen to someone on my left hand side in a plane! The idea is good, the problem is that it sounds too faint to be of any use.

So, I replaced it with Whisper, with a particular use in mind. I've a particular customer that has the habit of whispering when speaking, and I have struggled at times to understand him. Hopefully this will permit me to understand him more.

in Holland..

2007-06-12T08:42:00.000+02:00

I'm currently in Holland yet again. I'm sitting in my office (our customers call it the Maltese office as we make use of it when we're over!) waiting to start off a meeting. The window is open and a light fresh breeze is coming in. We're in the countryside over here so it's a welcome change from my office back in Malta, which is basically in the middle of an industrial area in front of Malta's busiest road (although we've a nice view from the floor I'm on!) I can hear chickens clucking outside, a cock crowing triumphantly every once in a while.. the odd tractor burbling over to tow another roll of hay, birds singing.. interesting sounds, quasi background music I would say!

Went swimming!

2007-06-08T12:24:00.000+02:00

We went to the beach yesterday (7th June is a public holiday in Malta - first day of the swimming season as far as I'm concerned!). Aside from the fact that it was beautiful but flipping freezing still (water temp is 21 C!), I obviously had to stay without my speech processor. I can honestly say that, aside from the time I spend having a haircut or getting washed, this was the longest I stayed with my CI off. All of a sudden it came back to me again - hey, I'm deaf.. without that implant, I'm deafer than a stone. Obviously since my last remnants of hearing have been destroyed, I could hear absolutely nothing. It was a sobering thought that just a few months I was almost ALWAYS like that - not hearing a thing that is. I could even hear my tinnitus so much more - I'm not conscious of it when I have my implant on. It just gives me the shivers to think of something happening and having to return to that state again...

Worrying occurance

2007-06-04T13:04:00.001+02:00

I had a bit of a worrying occurance yesterday. I was hoovering the carpet in my car (something VERY infrequent I must add!), and then, when I came out, all of a sudden, I started hearing very loud, rustling sounds through my CI implant. It actually sounded similar to the sound one gets when one moves something against a microphone, and this way I realised it was my hair against the microphone. Uhoh, I thought, something is wrong here. I don't normally hear my hair against the mike. Moving along I heard the movement of my specs arms against the headphone too. Worrying me now. My neighbour was using his hoover too, and it sounded muted, strange. I turned my speech processor off, and turned it on again. The rustling disappeared, but sound still sounded muffled. I stifled the feeling of panic and went upstairs, and spoke to Mandy. She sounded quite faint. I tried using the plug in cable from the TV, and that sounded ok, so I assumed it's something wrong with the microphone.

So, I unplugged the headpiece from the speech processor, removed the microphone cover, and dusted off both the inside as well as the mike cover itself. I put everything back together, and, it was working! Phew!

Moral of the story - even though speech processors are pretty hardy, you really must take care of them. Better, take them off when doing dirty work!

Back from Holland

2007-05-26T13:14:00.000+02:00

I'm back! It was a gruelling trip frankly and both work wise as well as hearing wise it was quite difficult.

We were discussing things that are technical (IT related that is) and also complex. In addition, 2 of the people I was having conversations with have a habit of whispering and then all of a sudden raising their voices (leading to prodigious use of Program 3 - ADRO!) At the end of (long) days of meetings I was mentally exhausted. Tiring stuff!

Waiting for a plane..

2007-05-21T07:11:00.000+02:00

I am alone at home right now, waiting for the taxi driver to come for me to take me to the airport for a flight to Munich.

When I was in Manchester last week, I contemplated on the change in my life since the first time I had been there. I even went back to the hospital again to take a quick look - thinking about the almost pathetic hope I held in my heart the first time I stepped in, the despair I felt the first time I left, and the joy and hope I got in my subsequent trip when I found out I was eligible to get the implant. I recalled the fear in my heart when I went in for surgery. I couldn't but help feel emotional when I recalled what we'd been through to get where I am now - myself, my wife, my daughter, my family.. what a struggle it had been and, when I went to the hotel where we dropped off my daughter before going to hospital I remembered the heartbreaking feeling of desolation I had when I left her. It all seems like another lifetime to me, but not a lifetime to be forgotten.

As I bade farewell to Manchester, in my heart I wondered whether I would ever be returning to this place, obviously hoping that I wouldn't from the point of view of surgery. At the same time, I felt an affinity, a bond with the town that will never be broken. I always felt that 'link' with Manchester as a Manchester United supporter but now, the bond is so much stronger and real. It is the place where my life changed, to one that I never believed possible.

Off to the airport now :) Malta-Munich!

My last assessment

2007-05-19T19:22:00.001+02:00

I had my last assessment this week in Manchester. And it was an amazing proof that even though I'm not really conscious of the improvement, some changes are taking place.

Well, I first had a test which was a sentence being said in quiet. I scored 100%, this was just hearing, not with lip reading. The next involved listening to speech with noise 10 decibels lower. I got 96% correct and I'm convinced the 4% I got wrong were mostly related to the man's accent. Now, in December, I got 87% in this test and that was considered to be good. Another test I did wass with 5 decibels difference and I got (if I recall correctly) 85% correct. That was wonderful to hear. I was told that I am doing fantastically well (not that I needed to know this :) and this was tangible proof of my rate of improvement. I was so pleased. I also replaced the battery compartment thingy which had the flap come off a few weeks ago. I did notice the flap in this new battery holder seems to be more robust. Maybe other people have complained about it?
So, that's it in Manchester it seems. After a year and a half going backwards and forwards to Manchester, it seems that this is a chapter in my life that is now closed. I can barely believe it - 7 trips down the line, so much happened. I am so grateful to the wonderful, patient people who I got to meet while I was in Manchester - they are too many to mention and maybe they don't want to be mentioned publicly, but they know who they are, and I thank them (I also know they read this blog occasionally!). From now onwards, any appointments I have regarding my CI will be in Malta. A little less expense, perhaps!

Eurovision

2007-05-14T22:23:00.000+02:00

For the first time, I got to listen to the Eurovision contest as opposed to watch it. For those who are not European the Eurovision is a song festival that most european countries participate in. It's a fascinating programme - the music tends to be terrible in general, and many of the costumes cheesy, some of the talent questionable, but it's great fun.

I really got to understand why it had a cult following in Malta especially. Our song, Vertigo, wasn't that bad - not particularly my favourite tune but still worthy of reaching the final, much better than other songs and, I felt, unfairly treated by the block voting of Eastern European countries. It was really fun though - even though some of the songs were terrible. An Israeli song was totally mad for instance - a short bloke prancing around the stage saying 'he's going to press the baaatooon' (pronounciation!!!!) is not my idea of music, nor is the ridiculous Ukrainian drag act.. but the Cypriot song at least deserved to get through. I'm hooked - even the commentary was cheesy and stupid but great fun!

Telephone use

2007-05-12T09:58:00.000+02:00

I have realised that using the telephone tires me out in the same way lip reading used to. I have been using the phone at work for long periods of time recently - 3-4 hours in a day this week in fact and come home exhausted. I think the levels of concentration I use on the phone are more or less the same as when I used to lip read. Well, a bit less maybe because nowadays I also write (to take notes) or sometimes read emails or write them even!

From Hungary

2007-05-07T12:53:00.000+02:00

I didn't have any time to post from Hungary, sorry! We had a wonderful holiday there. Budapest is a beautiful city - splendid, majestic and classically designed. The view from Fisherman's Bastion on the Buda side is something to be seen to be believed.

Alas, I didn't pick up a single word of Hungarian. Either because it's too different a language with no similar roots in any language that I know (for instance, I can broadly understand Spanish because of my knowledge of Italian), or possibly because it's an extremely tough language.

All in all a lovely experience.

Anyway, I'm a bit disappointed that the covering flap over the jack where the external accessories are plugged in, has finally come off. So now, in essence, my speech processor is not water resistant anymore. I did comment about the flimsy nature of the flap with the people over at Manchester when I got my implant in fact - and looks like I was right. So, alas, I don't know if I can take my implant to the beach, especially a sandy one, when the swimming season starts in a couple of weeks time here in Malta.

From holland

2007-04-19T16:17:00.000+02:00

Just a small note from Holland.. things have gone pretty well here, and I return tomorrow, hopefully, in preparation for Sunday's trip to Hungary. It's interesting that I've actually picked up a few words in Dutch in this trip, something I haven't been able to do before.

Meetings are so much more effortless, even with foreigners. I can't believe that I'm holding meetings with 10 people, of whom 8 are foreigners. It's not easy, I do have to concentrate and at the end of the day I return to the hotel mentally exhausted but at least I'm getting along.

Something funny that I would not have caught before I did my implant. Yesterday we decided to go to Amsterdam as a change of scenery from our client location (which is pretty, but since it's in the countryside, it's completely dead). My friend knew of a good steakhouse and we decided to go there together. To get to this steakhouse, we had to cross the infamous Red Light District, in its seedy glory. My friend is pretty short and slightly corpulent in a cuddly kind of way I would say. As we were walking, a particular lady of the night called out to my friend, calling, 'Hey, the little one' with a strong Dutch accent (sort of Hei, da leetil wan!) and we found it hilarious. She didn't call him the bald one (He's also bald) or the short one, but the LITTLE one, as if he was some sort of pocket sized midget, and it was soooo funny in a manner that can't be depicted here. We just couldn't stop laughing. This was a humorous situation that I would have been oblivious to just a few short months before.

Football!

2007-04-14T17:08:00.000+02:00

The English/worldwide version I mean, not the American one :) I had a wonderful experience this week. I have been a lifelong fan of Manchester United - the biggest, greatest football club on earth (Sir Alex Ferguson please do visit my blog - please??? :) ) Anyway, 2 weeks ago I saw them losing against AC Roma. Anyone here in Malta will know that there are fanatical supporters for Italian sides as well as English sides, with a smattering of people supporting others. Anyway, I watched the game on RAI, the Italian national TV, and my enjoyment of the first football game I've followed with a commentary in over 22 years was ruined somewhat by the biaised commentary from the Italian commentator. You would think only one team was on the pitch! What a great experience it was to see United thump Roma 7-1 on the return game.. it was AMAZING. Now I understand why my friends enjoy watching football games with commentaries. Before, I used to say, but can't you watch it on satellite, OK the commentary is in Arabic/Greek/Indonesian/whatever, but isn't the game what counts? Well, listening to the snippets of information coming out of the games (in Italian, of course) showed me how wrong I was :)

Back to Holland tomorrow. Looking forward to it again!

Phone practice

2007-04-04T16:18:00.000+02:00

Recently I've been getting LOTS of phone practice. I'm currently liaising a great deal with people who prefer to do business over the phone, and thus phone calls are a necessity. It's amazing that each phone call I get, I develop more confidence and frankly understanding of what is being said. I'm even seeing a distinct improvement in quality via speakerphones which were unreachable for me even a few weeks ago. As I've said recently what I'm seeing regarding improvement is not new sounds as such but a better perception and quality of sound, it's a continual improvement.

I do think that the continual bombardment of sound I'm exposed to has alot to do with it. We Maltese are a very garrulous nationality, and we talk alot! In addition my work involves communicating morning till night with various people, so my mind and my implant have been getting alot of work. As it is, determination did have a part to play too.

What I'd love to do now is the last great barrier I've left - the mobile phone!

Spring is in the air...

2007-04-01T14:33:00.000+02:00

There is something in the air in spring that I love so much.. warmish days, but not too warm, just nice enough to feel comfortable to go out. Brilliant blue skies with cotton wool clouds. Greenery in the countryside. And something else that I haven't heard for over 20 years.. birdsong. I marvel every morning to hear the birds greeting the sun. I didn't realise that there actually are such things as birds singing anymore! There are even particular birds I recognise - one particular bird seems pretty annoyed in the morning when I go out to feed Flopsy, Maria's rabbit, and chirps and chips his lungs out.

I have also noticed something else.. I don't really get new sounds anymore, but what I do get is a greater 'roundness' and fullness of sound. For instance, I've heard the sound of the shaving cream that I apply to my face for months now, but it's only recently that it has developed from a 'non specific' sound to one of a soft, creamy splat that it sounds like now. The fizzing sound water makes just before it reaches a rolling boil is also different from the sound that, say, Coke makes. Fascinating isn't it?

One other thing I've noticed - I haven't much of a difficulty with understanding people who have a foreign accent. As I've described before I've dealt with Dutch customers for instance, with their quite strong accent and sometimes incorrect pronounciation and, at times, emphasis at the wrong points in words. No problem. But for some reason I sometimes struggle with people speaking in my OWN language, Maltese, when they have a coarse, lower working class accent. The other day, a man came over to do some waterproofing treatment at our house and I barely could understand a word he said. Likewise when the handyman came, it was very difficult to follow. Isn't this strange?

Return from Holland

2007-03-24T07:13:00.000+01:00

I'm back! Barring some adventures (lost baggage that I'm still waiting for, almost missing a plane, delays left right and centre and terrible turbulence) all went well in Holland. I was interested to see that the announcements in Schiphol airport (Amsterdam's airport) were much clearer than those in other airports - I could understand every word.

All in all I didn't do too badly. I did have a difficulty a couple of times but this was mostly because of pronounciation of words by people unaccustomed to speaking in English, rather than misunderstanding.

New plateau

2007-03-20T07:52:00.000+01:00

Just when I thought I'd reached a plateau, I moved up (slightly) this past week. Firstly, phone conferences were slightly better, I struggled badly using a speakerphone but things were slightly better this week. Maybe it was just a case of trying too hard? This was no flash in the pan. My main 'enemy' after the implant has been mobile phones. I can't use the T switch due to interference, so mobile phones were unreachable for me. I tried using the voice automated system on my mobile phone today and I actually understood! Yes, it was in perfect silence and yes, it was a robot, but at least it's an improvement.

Anyway, I'm off to Holland today via Milan, so it should be interesting to see how I manage with announcements in Italian (which I understand but not to the extent of English, obviously) and Dutch (which I don't!!!)

Plateau

2007-03-10T16:29:00.000+01:00

Have I reached a plateau? These past few weeks I haven't really noticed any particular improvements. I have heard a few new sounds but I don't think that there's any particular improvement - so, barring any improvements I go through via software changes, I doubt I'll be getting much better than I am now.

Not that I'm complaining, but I do wish I could understand more on phones on hands-free for instance - it's really important for phone conferences for me for work, but I think that's my weakness there.

Strange occurance!

2007-02-27T21:25:00.000+01:00

A few minutes ago, something relatively weird happened to me. There is a chat programme going on TV right now about domestic violence. Without going into the merits of the subject, there are some people who are actually forming part of the discussion, and even though they are hidden behind a screen their voices can obviously be heard. Malta being small, everyone knows everyone else, and I remarked to Mandy that I was amazed that these people were going on national tv discussing such a subject - surely someone would recognise them! She commented to me that their voices were 'robotised' so as to disguise them. I was surprised, because they sound perfectly normal to me, i.e. normal voices. Then it dawned on me that probably my mind is so used to hearing 'robotic voices' (through the implant) and translating them into 'normal' ones that my mind must be thinking that what I am hearing is the usual robotic voice and is filtering them out?

Scare

2007-02-18T07:30:00.000+01:00

I had a slight scare last week. For some reason, when I was hooking the cables from my TV or from the monitor (which I use for music at work) the speech processor was switching off. Switching it back on again worked immediately but I started getting a bit worried. This happened for a whole day, but it just went away after a day, so I didn't follow it up. But it did raise the spectre of something going wrong with my speech processor - something I expect to happen sooner or later, but is placed at the back of my mind with other uncomfortable stuff like visiting the dentist or income tax returns.

I just wonder how I would handle it - the implant has become such a particular part of my life that I can just imagine living without it like I can imagine living without my feet!

Another trip

2007-02-11T10:12:00.000+01:00

I've returned from another trip to the UK, and I happened to go to Nottingham via Manchester. Since the trains weren't operating on the day I travelled we had to catch a bus which took me on a tour of places I've got so much in my memories - the hospital where I was operated (I could even glimpse my window in my room!), the place I went to be switched on, the sandwich bar we visited on our first trip to Manchester, even the grotty hotel we stayed at that time. At the same time I listened out for buses (which were some of my 'improvement indicators') and they sounded like... buses! You might remember (if you've read that far back) that one of the first sounds I heard in the real world was buses whistling by and they sounded nothing like buses.. but now, thankfully, they do!

On the other hand, another indicator, which is airport announcements, doesn't sound particularly better - just slightly. I'm wondering if I've reached a plateau? In any case, even if I have I am so happy with what I have, so grateful, it's so much better than I ever expected!

Ik houd van Nederland!

2007-02-03T16:44:00.000+01:00

I got a breakthrough yesterday (just when I thought I wouldn't ever get anymore). I got the guts to actually speak on the phone with someone I didn't know and who didn't know I was deaf. You may remember that I've been involved in phone conferences with strangers before but phone conferences are easier in that there are multiple persons involved - in this case there was just me and another person, so no room for error!

I had a business call on Friday from a customer - and he called me from Holland, on a mobile phone! We had about 20-25 minutes on the phone and I managed very well, if I may say so. I even noticed a curious situation where I had a sort of echo - I was hearing my own voice a couple of seconds after I spoke (so that's what I sound like on the phone!) - it was a bit confusing but I did pretty well, considering everything was against me - a stranger (who doesn't know I'm deaf), a foreigner calling from overseas on a mobile phone! I was pretty pleased with this as it has really important implications for my work. I would never have thought my first call to a stranger, direct, would be to Holland!

Funnily enough, improvements

2007-02-02T06:21:00.000+01:00

Just when I thought I wasn't detecting any changes, I got surprised this week! I used to have difficulty in understanding radio transmissions and could only understand snatches here and there, but all of a sudden this week it seems that the fog rose, so to speak.

This was quite distinct yesterday if anything. I'm currently in quite a stressful phase of a project at work and I came out of my office relatively tense and nervous. The music playing on my usual radio station (which just plays music) wasn't to my taste and I flipped the channels until I got to Radio 101. There happened to be Smoke on the Water playing (by Deep Purple) and it perfectly suited my mood.. the hard vocals and harsh guitar cords really soothed me for some reason - you'd expect something like Chopin being what I needed at that point in time but in reality it just worked like a pressure cooker - playing the music full blast and tapping away on the steering wheel. I even found myself speeding slightly in symphathy with the music. Anyway back to the point - when the song finished, the announcer mentioned that a discussion programme was going to start. I wasn't really concentrated but in the humdrum of after work traffic I listened in. Then it dawned on me that I was understanding every word that was being said. It was a very boring programme frankly about unions - a subject that doesn't particularly interest me but I just listened in in amazement.

I would never have dreamed just 5 monhs ago when I was preparing to be admitted that I would get this far!

I admit...

2007-01-28T15:12:00.000+01:00

... that it's been hard to post recently. I've been pretty busy to be honest, and, frankly, I am not having those gigantic leaps of hearing improvement I used to have. This does not mean that I haven't noticed some fine details changing.

For instance, it had been a couple of months since I heard my Queen music, and I happened to listen to Bohemian Rhapsody the other day. I did notice an improvement in the quality of the sound, and I understood the lyrics somewhat better. I have a better concept of 'environmental' sounds too - the sound of a washing machine in the other room - the humming of the friddge, even the sound of water rustling down the pipes when I'm in the garage.

Some things aren't much better and frankly I don't see them ever improving. I still have difficulty in understanding people in bars, for instance, when the light is low, there's lots of background noise and when there are lots of groups of people, but I still manage to get on more or less.

I'm also finding a bit of a confidence to receive phone calls from overseas - the other day I had a call with someone from Holland which I followed (I didn't have the guts to make the call myself - I'm still trying to build up the confidence for that).. but slowly but surely....

Hope all my readers are all OK and the people who had their implant are benefitting from it like I did!

Phone calls

2007-01-19T19:13:00.000+01:00

All of a sudden, in a trickle, I've been getting more confidence in using the phone. I've been OK with using it with family and friends but have been relatively reluctant to use it at work. Some habits die hard I guess. What I've tried to do is basically get used to using the phone with people who know me and are comfortable with my hearing loss, and then moving to other people. Well, with much sweating and a bit of trepidation I called a colleague of mine overseas a couple of times this week - as well as colleagues in-house. One slight problem - when I make an internal phone call at the office, I don't hear my voice. When I call outside, I do. I wonder why?

Anyway, quite a step for me because the phone is vital in my job.

For Yana

2007-01-12T08:35:00.000+01:00

I just received a lovely comment on the blog from Yana. I thought I'd reply through here as the information might be useful for other people too. Firstly, Yana - I wish you the very best of luck, I'm sure you'll manage. It's not easy - if anything it's quite hard. And it's NOT hearing normally again. Anything but. In extremes of sound for instance (very loud or very faint) sounds are very electronic and almost unpleasant but it depends on how you see it. I like to see my cup as half full and not half empty and that's the approach you need.

Anyway here are the Q&As!

1) Did you have to do rehabilitation with a speech therapist?

No I didn't. Since I lost my hearing post linguistically, I didn't really need a speech therapist, but some people I know who lost their hearing pre-linguistically, especially children, need a therapist.

2) How long do your batteries last?

They last anything between 2 - 2.5 days, depending on the programme I use. The more specialised programs are much more power thirsty. Also, when I'm in noisy environments they last last. Last but not least, since my implant I've flown about 10 times, and I've had battery failure on 3 of the flights, so I'm not sure if exposure to cabin pressure has something to do with batteries going flat faster.

3) Did you insure your implant?

No. Firstly insurance of the sort is quite hard to get in Malta, and secondly, repairs are dealt with through the cochlear implant programme I form part of.

4) Have you had a part of it break and who gets to pay for repairs in this case?

So far, no! *gulp* It's a bit scary as I'd have to wait for a replacement to be sent if such a thing happened.

5) I gather you didn't hear very much before.

Alas, very little. I lost my hearing at 13, but I managed quite well with a hearing aid. Then 2 1/2 years ago it went all pear shaped as I suddenly lost much of what I have left. What caused it? Well, no cut and dried answer for that. Some doctors think that my mother was exposed to measles when she was pregnant with me, and the virus was dormant in my ears waiting for an ear infection to take place. When the infection happened, bingo! I lost my hearing!

Do keep in touch, if you have any other queries, drop me a line here and I'll reply. My email address is i_carabott at yahoo dot com.

Football game

2007-01-12T08:01:00.000+01:00

A couple of day ago, I was at the National Stadium at Ta' Qali to watch a football game - my first since the implant. AC Milan had a training camp in Malta and I decided to attend the game against a local club, Birkirkara (the score was 5-0 for Milan, in case anyone is interested).

The noise was absolutely astounding! I was amazed to actually hear an announcer in the stadium - I didn't know such things actually happen. I didn't understand very much - I think that's beyond the capacities of the implant what with the hubub of 17,000 people talking, but it was an interesting experience. When there were lulls in the stadium I could hear the players calling to each other, the referee's whistle, even the punting sound of the ball. There were also some funny points - such as people insulting the Italian players in Maltese (or as it was a particular Brazilian and also a Dutchman who weren't playing very sportingly for what was a friendly game), the prodigious swearing was also quite distinct for me. And the sound when people scored - now that's what's interesting. It actually sounded quite weedy compared to what I was used to with a hearing aid. My reasoning is that it was due to the implant automatically cutting down the volume to avoid damage to my nerve.

New Year's Eve

2006-12-31T08:09:00.000+01:00

What a difference a year makes! A year ago from now I was tense, apprehensive and scared that I would be rejected, just 5 days after New Year.

This year, I'm enjoying the Christmas to its fullest. Parties, which I used to dread as I was almost always ending up on my own watching paint dry - are now great, although not perfect (it's still quite difficult to follow in very noisy environments but I manage). I have noticed people who I've known for years but ignored me before, actually sit up and notice I'm there. I've made new friends, built up a confidence with those friends that I had before. It's been a special year.

My New Year's resolution? Aside from wanting to lose a little weight (I'm a bit too much of a beer belly guy - without the beer!! - for my taste) I really want to continue providing people with an information source about Cochlear Implants. I have been trying to do that these past 15 months, even though, frankly, I do have less to report from a personal point of view because, well, how many times can I say, hey, I'm doing very well, thank you very much? I do sometimes notice new, faint or indistinct sounds but obviously my journey of discovery is not as deep as it used to be four months ago.

So where do I go from now? I obviously want to continue maintaining this blog and will do. I will continue trying to provide people with an information source as I know how helpful it is to hear it from someone who has 'been there done that' I am now just wondering if I should have a change of tack and, rather than my 'life and experience' kind of blog, I should now focus on an 'information noticeboard'? Maybe my readers can help me on that. Suggestions are appreciated!

Anyway, I would like to take the opportunity to wish the people who read this blog - be they my family, friends or even complete strangers - a very happy new year 2007.

Oh, and Romania and Bulgaria - welcome to the EU tomorrow!

Merry Christmas!!!!!

2006-12-25T09:16:00.000+01:00

Dearest readers, family and friends,

I would like to wish you all the very best Christmas and New Year, for you and your respective families.

I sincerely hope that your day is full of joy, happiness and turkey!! I wish that you all have a special day full of the joys that Christmas brings.

As I listen to Christmas carols, and smell the turkey in the oven and hear the tin foil rustling away as it cooks, I look back on a year ago and remember how much I enjoyed that Christmas, even though I was so apprehensive about the forthcoming assessment. At the same time, it was almost weird - Christmas without music is like turkey without, well, cranberry sauce. Now, it feels so much more complete. I feel whole again. Anyway, with love from us all to all the people round the world who read this blog, have a wonderful day, and I'll be raising a glass to all those wonderful people who helped me achieve my goal and dream of hearing my little girl.

Christmas Concert

2006-12-21T18:01:00.000+01:00

Picture this:

A year ago, myself at my daughter's - Maria's - Christmas concert. I was desperately trying to make some sense out of the sludge I was hearing from my ruined ears.

And now fast forward to today, when I was at her concert again. I could pick out the songs, the lack of synchronisation (I mean come on, these are three year olds and not the latest girl band), the tunes.. OK, the music wasn't all that good (maybe because the speakers were about 5 feet away and blaring away merrily) but I could actually hear the children sing. I can honestly say it was one of the most emotional situations I've been in, in my life. Here I was, listening to my beloved daughter singing Christmas Pudding.. Jingle Bells, Ninu tal-Milied..and actually understanding it. Tears welled in my eyes when I saw my little girl looking out for us and smiling at us when we saw here. A wonderful experience.

Background music

2006-12-16T17:48:00.000+01:00

Last week, Mandy and I went to a lovely wine bar in Attard, called Etienne's. Upstairs for the restaurant, downstairs for a cosy, intimate wine bar - just a few things on the menu but lovely food, good service, and good music. And that is what I am actually blogging about today, because that particular evening out we had was the first I've ever had when I appreciated the background music.. quite soft, but interesting. I couldn't recognise any of the tunes and wouldn't recognise them again if I heard them, but it was an enjoyable experience, because normally background music would just be a mish-mash of sound.

3 month review

2006-12-10T09:02:00.000+01:00

Apologies for not updating recently (I've been saying this quite frequently these past few weeks). I have just returned from a 3 month review which was coupled with a business trip to the UK.

I met up with the people there and described what a change the implant had made in my life. I also gave them some feedback and what I felt about the design of the device itself and the quality of what I was hearing. I also had my tests to gauge progress over the past months, and to say I was amazed is an understatement. The tests were as follows:

Speech (in sentences) with lipreading: 100%. That is, I understood every single word that was said. Remember that in January, I got something like 20% in January.
Speech (in sentences) with just hearing: 99% - I missed out just one word. Less than 1% in January!!!
Speech (in sentences) in noise - 87%. Some hearing people might struggle to hear this much.
Individual words - 89% (phonemes) and 70% (the words themselves).

I was told that these results put me in the range of a top achiever, which I was pretty pleased to hear - it showed that all the hard work had paid dividends.

I am now at that particular point when I move into the 'open seas', as I now have just a review at 9 months (i.e. 6 months from now) and then an annual formality review. I think I'm finally free now, but at the same time I cannot help look back at the times in the beginning of my switch on, when I was taking my first, tottering steps into hearing, and comparing with how I am now.

As I told K at Manchester, funnily enough I feel the smallest change invoked by the implant has been in my hearing. What has actually changed vastly are my self confidence (and with that self esteem), my capacity to mix with people, my involvement in so many things - familial, professional and social - that other people might take for granted, that I never had and always craved.

When I look at my daughter who is currently eating some yoghurt next to me, and I look at her and smile, and hear the little comments that she makes that makes a child so lovable, her giggles, her snorts of laughter, even her little burps and 'clouds' as she calls them (no prizes for guessing what these really are) and her apologetic 'pardon me' afterwards... worth all the suffering, difficulty, uncertainty and trauma of the past year. This year was the first time for so many years that I heard a child singing 'happy birthday to me' (last Friday, in case anyone is interested, and 35, in case someone is nosy) and it was so heart warming, so endearing...

Meetings

2006-12-02T08:04:00.000+01:00

It's amazing what change occurs over three months. During meetings, particularly in large ones, I used to literally drain myself trying to follow what was being said, looking left and right like a mad man trying to understand what people were saying. I would slouch in my seat in a desperate effort not to be noticed and asked a question that I might not understand and humiliate myself in answering.

Now, things have changed. I can follow the proceedings with relative ease (now that I've got the hang of appropriate placement) and participate in meetings fully. I see colleagues who don't really know what has come over me these minds look around quizzically, thinking something is strange with this 'new' voice, and then they notice that it's me talking and their eyes open with surprise. A Kodak moment, so to speak.

Fascinating clip by Michael Chorost

2006-11-27T12:54:00.000+01:00

Michael Chorost is, as some readers may know, a science writer who has a cochlear implant. He published the book that I bought some time ago and he indirectly contributed to me being where I am now, because it was after I read his book that I decided to go for the implant.

Anyway, he has a new film clip about cochlear implants available online here, it's fascinating listening/hearing it. You can actually see his implant (through an Xray) and his processor, as well as listen to a description of what a Cochlear Implant is all about.

Ideal programmes for different listening situations

2006-11-27T12:36:00.000+01:00

What is great about Cochlear Implants is that you can choose the programme available based upon the listening situation in hand. A step over nature maybe?

Anyway, this is a list of such situations that I can think of - maybe there's more, if anyone has any queries about suitable programmes just ask!

listening situations:
At the office: Program 1 - or program 3 if it is particularly noisy. I like to get the banter that goes on at an office (a novelty for me) and program 1 (unfiltered) is particularly good for this. When I'm concentrating, however, program 3 (ADRO) is slightly better. Note that distortion is more pronounced with programme 3.
At home: Generally, program 1
Watching TV: Program 3 (ADRO). I like to use an audio cable and for some reason it sounds louder and clearer on program 3.
Music: Program 1/3 - depending on whether it is through speakers or through the cable, in which case, program 3.
Parties: Program 2/3/4: Program 2 if it is a party which is very noisy - for instance, with background music and lots of people talking. Program 3 is best for a dinner party, as program 2 might be too faint for this. In the case of a dinner party on a long table - programme 4 is best, but then again, beyond about 6-7 feet, you've lost everything. This is what I believe is the most difficult listening situation.
Meetings: Program 3/4 - depending on the number of people attending and the distance. Program 4 is better for a smallish meeting around a small table.
Restaurants: Program 4. This eliminates the chatter from people nearby and the clinking of cutlery on plates which i find particularly irritating.
On planes: Program 3 - especially if I'm listening to the In Flight Entertainment or to music. It eliminates the engine noise almost completely - bliss. On the other hand, I like the sound of the reverse thrust on planes, so I turn it to program 1 for landing!
Crying Children: Program 0, i.e. OFF!! Isn't that cool?!?!?!

Different listening situations

2006-11-21T13:19:00.000+01:00

Not all listening situations are the same, and cochlear implant users are lucky to have the possibility to adjust what they hear according to the situation in hand.

Firstly, there's generic controls like sensitivity (which is used to adjust what the microphone picks up) and volume (which is, I guess, self explanatory).

Then we have programs that are used to tune to different situations. At a risk of sounding like a sales pitch, one of the reasons why I went for a Cochlear implant as opposed to one from other manufacturers, was the fact that I could actually get 4 programs on my implant. In my speech processor, I have the following:

Program 1: A general program, tuned for my cochlea, as such, but unfiltered.
Advantages: You get everything.
Disadvantages: You get everything.

Program 2: Autosensitivity. The microphone adjusts to the level of volume of where you are and lowers and raises the volume accordingly.
Advantages: Noisy places sound much more manageable.
Disadvantages: In a normal hearing situation, everything sounds very quiet.

Program 3: ADRO: Similar to autosensitivity, but it maintains the level of speech at a normal level.
Advantages: You eliminate your colleagues 'desk noise' as I've come to call it (clicking keys, mouse, telephone ringing etc) while you can continue listening to the radio in peace. Disadvantages: You lose alot of environmental sounds.

Program 4: BEAM: Focuses on sounds that are up to about 4 feet right ahead of you, lowering the volume for others.
Advantages: Good for meetings, restaurants etc.
Disadvantages: Drinks batteries like cola, only picks up a short distance away.

There is also another facility that is called Whisper which is for quiet sounds but frankly, I found this pretty useless, especially in Malta (!)

Unpleasant sounds

2006-11-15T12:19:00.000+01:00

I still do hear some unpleasant sounds, but whether it is because they are coming through the implant, or maybe because they are literally unpleasant, is something else. I think it's a mixture of the two really.

In my last flight over, in the inflight entertainment they were showing a film (a Steve Martin film - not my favourite actor!) and I didn't bother plugging in to hear the sound. However, I was surprised to hear the sound of the music in the beginning of the film. How can it be, I wondered, was there some kind of sound 'wi-fi' that my CI was somehow picking up? I then realised that I was hearing the film through the headphones inside the ears of the bloke next to me. All of a sudden I understood why they ask you not to use Ipods, CD Players etc on a train or tube (metro?) in case you get, well, thumped by someone who doesn't like your music, as I was regaled with both the film soundtrack as well as the gentleman's selection of music (which wasn't to my taste, frankly!) for the duration of the flight.

Once in a while - a neighbour in our street starts messing around with his car. He's one of those people who love tinkering with their cars. I've no problem with these people although I can't see what the fun is all about frankly, but what I find maddening is that he continually revs his car engine - aside from the pollution, the noise is SO irritating!

Oh, and crying children as still soooo irritating. Is it the CI, or is it just fact that the sound seems to literally penetrate my bone marrow and give me the shivers?!

Latest trip abroad

2006-11-10T13:19:00.000+01:00

Firstly, I would like to apologise for not updating the blog often enough over the past few days. I really have been very busy recently, and this was coupled with a trip I had to the UK over the past few days - life has been hectic.

I will focus on my trip to England, which was my first business trip since the implant. I actually had to condense two business trips into one, as I didn't relish travelling to the UK twice in a week and I had to visit two sites. I instantly noticed an improvement over the last time I travelled 4 weeks ago, as the announcements turned out to be much clearer than the previous time I went. Still relatively unintelligible but I got enough to get along. Anyway, on boarding the plane - another bonus - I could actually understand the captain's commentary (where he stated cruise altitude, ground speed, etc - as an aviation geek this was fascinating to me). I could even understand the (recorded) safety instructions - verbatim. That was really cool.

Upon landing, we departed with a taxi. I could understand the GPS instructions quite clearly (in fact I was quite confused thinking it was the taxi driver speaking to me!) Much hilarity erupted when, enroute, on a motorway, the GPS went barmy and started telling the driver to make a U turn (slightly difficult) or to turn left immediately (which would have driven us off what was signposted as the highest motorway in the UK, wherever that is!). I felt elation that I finally could participate in such humorous events. I checked in, and the lady had a very thick, particular accent that I actually could decipher. Up in the lift. "Lift Going Up. Doors Opening - Third Floor" - lifts seem to speak in capital letters. I spent a very nervous night wondering how I would perform next day. in the meetings. I needn't have bothered - I was understanding everything. Wonderful! The people didn't even notice my implant. I then made a relatively convoluted journey by train to the other customers. I was fascinated to listen to the announcer explaining the different stations coming up. Didn't have to peer frantically out of the window to see if the station we're at was mine. I went to my second hotel, and checked in. I could hear workmen through double glazed windows, working eight floors below and about 30 metres away, changing the floor slabs. Every day, I spoke to Mandy on the phone- even my dad called, which was quite funny actually, as Rina pretended to be the reception telling me I had a call, there I was saying "this voice is familiar" and then my dad coming on and everything sinking in.

Then, on Wednesday - fantastic, I can honestly say that this was the best day I've had, hearing wise, since I had my implant. I spent over 5 hours straight talking to clients, explaining the design of the system we'd made for them. I was totally immersed in the conversation, I was being peppered with (very technical) questions left and right. No problem. I came out elated. I had really done it. Normally something like that would have left me stressed as hell and exhausted beyond all measure, but I was just tired. Fantastic!

The ride down to London was a long one, but it was fantastic being able to talk to my colleague, even in pitch dark, and understand everything. I got on the tube on the Piccadilly Line in the North East (elated to be back in London which is my spiritual home, I would say) extreme end, and had to literally cross London. I was fascinated listening in to conversations people were having (I know it's wrong but couldn't help it!) the tick-tick-tick-tick of the wheels on the track was familiar and comforting if anything.. the whooshing of the wind when we entered a tunnel was not - this was new to me. The warning bleeps of the doors was also new. "This train is the Piccadilly Line Train to Northfields. Next Station is Leicester Square. Please mind the gap". Actually hearing the recorded announcer speaking out the stations with names that are like long lost friends for me (hadn't been to London for two years) was almost comforting. Finally, I got to my destination, London Heathrow Terminal 4. I got into a cab, gave the cabby my address. I actually found a cab driver who didn't know a particular street in London (this is amazing for anyone who knows taxi drivers in London with their prodigious memory for addresses). He repeatedly asked me for tips - address, hotel name, postcode, street name, as he couldn't figure out where he had to go. Remember, he's looking ahead, it's dark, in a taxi. I was understanding every word. Had a chat with him even - fantastic, I never had a chat with a taxi driver before.

Next day - similar, my driver asked me where I was going - I told him back home to Malta. he said he'd never been but had been to Cyprus a few years back. We chatted about the low-cost fares, we agreed that you pay the fare for low cost in other ways like through transport or hotels. Gave him a tip. Got told "thanks, guv" and was aware of it for the first time. Fun!

Immersed in the sea of humanity at Heathrow, I had a chat with the checkin clerk (normally I would just sit there and stare) I bought Mandy some perfume and shook off the rather insistent sales lady (who was Polish I think, based upon my newly developed skill of accent determination!) who wanted to sell me something else. I then bought her some eye cream (why is it called eye cream when you put it on your cheek bones) and the Spanish (or Spanish language speaking at least) lady gave me instructions to tell Mandy not to put it on eyelids but on the top of the cheekbones as "eyelid skin is 50% thinner than the cheeks and you get puffy eyes".

All in all,a total success. How the hell did I manage to stumble along before?!

Red Letter Day

2006-11-03T08:34:00.000+01:00

Yesterday was, for me, a red letter day. I received a mail from a colleague overseas asking for a phone conference. With some trepidation, and relatively sweaty palms and forehead. I accepted. I asked a team mate to join me in the room in case, and I picked the phone and dialed, over the Internet. And... it went swimmingly! I had to concentrate, I had to ask for a repetition a couple of times, but all in all, I managed. Very pleased with myself!

Why is this a milestone? Firstly, it's the first time I made a business phone call in my life. This opens up the avenues for me, professionally. And secondly, well, it was the first time I called someone who isn't a family member or a close friend. Quite a progression to change habits of 2/3 of my life where I had to get other people to make a phone call for me.

Did you know..

2006-10-30T14:03:00.000+01:00

Do you know what it's like to have a piece of music trapped in your mind for at least twenty five years, knowing it is a lovely piece of music, knowing that it seems to flitter in your memory and just pop up every so often, only to fade away in the annals of your mind after a few hours? Not being able to identify it because you couldn't confirm the music if you actually heard it? Do you know what it is like to actually hear that music after all those years, and end up with goose-pimples the size of ostrich eggs? Do you realise how emotional this is, what depth of feeling this brings? I hummed the theme to Mandy when it happened to me today and she recognised it... the music? Well, it happened to be the theme music of a film I absolutely love and have watched many a time, The Godfather. The bewitching music was just literally a butterfly in my mind for so many years - it evokes an emotion for a particular reason that I am reluctant to mention in a blog, maybe it's a bit too private, but it still strikes me in a particular, very primal way that is very difficult to understand or explain.

I had never watched the film before my hearing loss (I was too young) so I didn't realise that what I was hearing was this music. One of those 'cochlear implant' moments, as people in a similar situation to mine are apt to call it.

Limitations

2006-10-28T11:16:00.000+02:00

Yesterday I had two situations where I think I was attempting to operate the Cochlear Implant beyond its range of capacities.

Towards lunchtime, I had my first phone conference, which was with a customer overseas, in the UK to be exact. Frankly - it was awful - I could barely understand anything, not more than 3-4 words in 10, probably less as the words seemed to be clipped (we were calling over VOIP) and very unclear - the line was very poor. To be fair, my (hearing) colleague also understood with difficulty but I expected to do better. Pretty disappointing to me, but maybe practice will change this somewhat.

In the evening, we had a meeting for parents at Maria's school, and since we were quite rushed and harried we ended up arriving just a couple of minutes before it all started. This meant we ended up right at the back, I would say about 15-20 metres away from the speaker. Between me being tired (I was pretty busy this week and this is reflected in my lack of posts) and also because I was far away (and compounded by the fact that Maria was eating from a crinkly packet, leading to a racket) I could understand very little, much less than I expected to, really.

On the other hand, these past three days I had 8am to 5-6pm non stop sessions of system design meetings. These are highly technical, detailed, convoluted brain-storming sessions where we design an IT system for a client, and it can get quite heated at times with people coming up with solutions and alternatives to problems or methods that customers use. You obviously need total concentration and need to understand as much as you can, because just one missed sentence can lead to a totally wrong frame of mind and conception of a problem. Since I am the team leader leading this session the pressure is increased because the final word is mine and I obviously cannot base a decision on something I misheard. However, everything went steaming past with no problems - it was tiring as it required concentration but at the same time, I had the satisfaction that I was understanding and participating completely in this issue.

Due for a posting

2006-10-24T12:07:00.000+02:00

Apologies for not posting much recently. I've been quite busy these past few days and haven't had much time to think about what to post let alone actual posting. This does not mean that I haven't had anything to blog about - far from it, but once in a while I realise I have a life outside of that electronically encapsulated through this blog!

Last weekend, we went out for a meal cum entertainment evening for our children with some friends and family (i.e. Maria's cousin and best friend, Rebekah). We first took the children to play in the play area - where, predictably, I was wincing at the noise that there was in the place. I hate to think what I would do if I were a kindergarten assistant, because I cannot bear the sound of children screaming. But anyway.

Following that, we had a (relatively forgettable) meal. I'm not going to bother with the details of the meal itself (frankly, my burgers cost about a tenth of what we paid for ours, and are much better), rather I will focus on the socialisation that took place. But as things are, conversation was the usual Maltese thing; casual, loud, changing from subject to another and composed of much gesticulation, exaggeration, comedy sketches, imitation and verbal inflections that can only be picked up by actually hearing - I am realising that you lose so much by just lipreading! Again, I will not focus on the subject matter - mostly to save the blushes of the people concerned as well as to keep this blog on a clean, smut-free level (!). I found that I could, with relative ease, follow a conversation between the four people that were together (boys talking boys stuff) and at times, grasp bits of the other foursome (girls talking girls stuff) too. Fascinating! It *did* involve moving to a better position as being masked by another person detracted from my understanding, but when I'd chosen the appropriate program and position, things were great.

A couple of the people in the group don't know me too well because, frankly, I never interacted much previously when we were in a group of people larger than 2-3 people, and in such a noisy place, I would have been a no-hoper. They seemed quite surprised that this person in front of them had a voice and an opinion a well as a sense of humour (try laughing at a joke when you only understood "there was..." and "...his shoe" -as I did previously - and you'll understand what I mean) I hope to surprise some other people this way very soon.

Theme Music to my Cochlear Implant Adventure

2006-10-19T11:39:00.000+02:00

If I had to choose the theme music for my cochlear implant journey, I wouldn't think twice but to propose Vangelis playing Chariots of Fire. This is a beautiful piece of music, it's not my favourite piece, but it's so evocative, so haunting. It projects the feeling of a person who is struggling against the odds but finally succeeds. Funnily enough, when one considers that this is amongst my ten favourite pieces of music, I haven't seen the film. Must rent it some time.

Memories (are made of this)

2006-10-17T12:07:00.000+02:00

When I read posts Jennifer's, describing her initial feelings after switch-on (go Jennifer, you'd doing great!) I can't but help think how far I've moved and how lucky I've been that, touch wood, my first month was like many people's first SIX months. I get emotional at times when I listen to long-forgotten music, and remember how I was just 5-6 weeks ago, deafer than the stone column next to my desk.

I've spoken to implantees who cannot get music six months down the line and I got it after a week -is that luck, drive or skilled surgery? I really wish I knew what the magic formula for my success (so far) has been as I would put it on the blog immediately, but I can say that perseverance, discipline and tenacity has alot to do with it. Self belief is important BEFORE you get switched on, and the capacity to look at things positively when, let's face it, you're getting a horrible mish-mash of sound into your ears (or should it be head?!)

One last thing - I have never taken the CI off since I was switched on, barring when I shave, wash or sleep, with the exception of a few minutes when my dad and I were at the Air Show and I was afraid that the loud sound would cause damage. I think leaving it on tells the brain that basically it is going to have to put up with the sounds coming in, like it or not!

Bits and bobs

2006-10-17T11:41:00.000+02:00

This week, we had a wedding of a work colleague. I think the cochlear implant was working at its hardest and at times it was a bit difficult. the acoustics of the room weren't all that great, and the typical Maltese wedding is a fingerfood event, leading to people mingling. Thus lots of people talking at once - lots of noise. Coupled with the (loud) live music, a very difficult listening environment but I managed well enough. Something interesting I found was the fact that sounds become so much more electronic when they are loud! Even my wife sounded very electronic.

I've also been going through a musical tour this past weekend. The VH1 Classic music channel had every single Number 1 from the Eighties, and it was literally a journey through memories. Music is so wonderful... I'm literally bathed in it all the time - currently there's a number 1 playing that was popular when I was venturing into the 'dating world' so to speak - Rick Astley's Never Gonna Give You Up (yes I'm that old!).

When you lose something like I did, and get it back, you seem to hold on like there's no tomorrow, in case you 'lose it' again. I'm enjoying every minute of hearing, terrible sounds and all.

By the way, did you know that (instant) coffee makes a rustling sound when you insert the spoon into the grounds? No? Well you do now!

Terry Wogan!

2006-10-13T12:47:00.000+02:00

I have just (re)discovered the joys of Terry Wogan on BBC Radio 2, over the Internet. I used to listen to Wogan when we travelled to the UK (and Jimmy Young, while I'm at it!) his wry humour hasn't changed that much - I look forward to watching him on the Eurovision in May.

It's quite a leap really - from Rediffusion (cable Radio) in the mid-eighties, which is where I lost my hearing, to Radio on the Internet, listening to Radio stations from England, America, Australia, Germany...

I have also taken the step forward to switching off the subtitles on some TV programmes to focus on speech only. Yesterday, on the telly, there was Interview with Kylie Minogue (a fascinating insight into this lady's fight against breast cancer) showing, and the subtitles were so out of sync with what was being said, that it was confusing, so I turned them off. And I was understanding practically everything! It's amazing!

Forgot to blog about this...

2006-10-11T12:36:00.000+02:00

Last Friday, I thought I'd hook my audio cable to the TV and try and listen in to Xarabank. For people who live overseas, this is a prime time discussion program (is such a thing possible in a Mediterranean country?! Discussion?!) and to say I found it fascinating is an understatement. It was almost a study of human behaviour and reaction. It was all about the 'festi' that we celebrate in Malta, which are feasts that are celebrated on behalf of the patron saint of villages. These feasts sometimes degenerate into the quasi-pagan alcohol fueled rites where piques originating from long-forgotten misunderstandings, disagreements or just plain spite become the focus of the boys in blue (the police that is, not the Sliema football club!), and the incessant rumble and bang of the petards and firecrackers (for lack of a better word) leads to an annual debate on whether they should be banned or not.

Anyway, it's not something I normally would bother with, as I am no fan of feasts and try to make sure I'm out of my village when our feast is on, but it was just fascinating to hear the opinions - banal or not - of people ranging from a parish priest from a particular parish with a 'disagreement' problem, the police, feast enthusiasts, people who work on fireworks - even a hearing specialist who reported that exposure to noise from petards can lead to permanent deafness. I always used to wonder why half Malta's population watch the programme, I mean, do we have so little to do on a Friday evening? However, this frankly low-brow, quasi blue collar entertainment was fascinating to watch and follow. I didn't understand ALL that was said (some people were disagreeing and talking at once!) but I managed to get along. Can't wait till next Friday!

When it's better NOT to hear

2006-10-09T14:50:00.000+02:00

Sometimes, actually hearing what goes on leaves me cringing and wishing for slightly LESS hearing at that point in time. As you can imagine, cochlear implants don't sound perfect, and some things that are normal sounds are quite unpleasant too!

Let's catalogue some of the things I don't like the sound of.

I sometimes eat with a friend of mine, and I discovered that this person slurps at his food each time he makes a mouthful. It makes my own food a little appetising, hearing someone going 'sllllurrrrrppp' every mouthful.
At the supermarket on Saturday, I heard a total stranger 'breaking wind', which so surprised me that I turned to look at the source of the sound!
Children throwing a tantrum also sounds terrible (remember, I have a three year old) although it doesn't sound so flattened as it used to previously.
Some car brakes are quite unpleasantly high pitched

None of these sounds are painful - they're just downright horrible!

Trip to the Supermarket

2006-10-07T17:49:00.000+02:00

I went to do the big, monthly shop at the supermarket today, at one of those supermarkets that have everything from a butcher to a baker (not sure about a candlestick maker...)

It was fascinating. I got to know that the fishmonger is allergic to calamari and he has to wash his hands thoroughly after he cleans them for customers. I found out that the candyfloss vendor still eats his products when I told him I would have loved a sample 20 years ago. I also found out that, according to a particular sales rep, a particular yoghurt is surely the best on the market, and that another sales rep believed that her brand of ricotta cheese is very tasty and wholesome.

Oh, and the cashier told me that I could get a scratch card for a Kit Kat (secret vice?!) competition from customer services. As it is, I won absolutely nothing, but at least I got to obtain the card!

Back from the UK

2006-10-06T13:04:00.000+02:00

I'm back from the UK after my latest mapping session. Things went quite well, considering. I reported certain issues to the audiologist and had a very interesting chat with her about the why's and wherefore's of certain issues that I had. For instance, children's voices sound 'flattened' when they're shouting possibly because the CI starts to kick in at a particular point to control the sound (although it's improved slightly since the last session). I also fine tuned the lower, quieter sound and although I get more ambient sound than before, the bonus is that music sounds slightly better.

The audiological scientist I met explained to me that normal hearing has a frequency range from about 20 to 20,000 Hz. Now, a CI can only deal with 150 to 8,000 Hz, so in effect, anything below or above those windows of opportunity, so to speak, is being lost. This is mostly a technological issue but is being worked upon by Cochlear Implant companies - the speech processors cannot sample sound fast enough to gain sound in those reaches of frequency. This explains why certain music sounds faint or flat - certain tones aren't being picked up, however, speech is OK because it fits in neatly within these ranges. Likewise, Rock/Pop music is broadly within these ranges, although certain musical instruments exceed these rates and thus sound distorted. So, for anyone who is attempting to listen to music with a cochlear implant - I suggest you stick to pop or rock for the time being!

My reasoning is that this is why alot of sounds do not sound right - possibly because a compendium of individual sounds that make up a global, complex sound, such as car engines, are not complete, and I'm only getting the sounds that are within my range. So I think that before they get that magic technology with a sample rate fast enough to pick up these frequencies,

On the radio now - I Just Called to Say I Love You - and just when I thought I'd got away from such saccharine sweet songs ;) Anyway, sounds exactly like I remember it! The piano DOES sound different though, very strange and electronic.

Sound bites?

2006-10-02T08:59:00.000+02:00

This weekend I had my first real, hard test for my cochlear implant. We had a nice meal for my sister in law for her birthday, and we were sitting on a long table, about 12 of us. Now, I must add that Maltese people are VERY vocal people - very Mediterranean (!) so we tend to be a bit, well, LOUD when we meet up. I ended up at the end of the table as we were a bit late.

Anyway, it wasn't TOO bad, but I discovered that the BEAM option on my CI is not much use in these situations - it has a relatively short range and people at the end of the table were inaudible. ADRO wasn't all that good either, as since the major sounds in the background were speech related, so I decided to use autosensitivity, which didn't do too badly. Not perfect, but much better than usual when I'd just end up sitting by myself trying to get a word or two every once in a while and grimacing inanely like a clueless Cheshire Cat when other people were smiling. Effectively, I could follow what the 4-6 people closest to me were saying, but that's it. Which is alot better than the just the person in front of me that I was limited to before, but still some way to go.

At one point on Sunday, I was in the yard with Maria and Flopsy, banished as Mandy was washing the floor. I started hearing a 'staticy' buzz. Uh-oh I said, I have a problem - having recalled that people who had CI problems before reported static at times. Then I noticed the 'static' was actually coming from a FLY that was buzzing around over my head. I wonder what decibel rating a fly has?

I've been listening to the radio on my MP3 player over these past few days. I'm fascinated how broadcasting has moved forwards since I lost my hearing. I became deafened in 1985, when Rediffusion still ruled the waves in Malta, and Radio Stations were limited to just 2 - Radju Malta 1 and 2. With my hearing aids, radio was never clear enough to understand so I never bothered. I was surprised to be informed by Stephen, my friend, that Radju Malta 2 is no more, and that it's just Radju Malta. Now, 21 years later, Radio Stations have bloomed to about 25, including local ones (not bad for a country of 400,000 people!). It's fascinating listening to different announcers on different programmes, I'm almost amazed to hear advertising on Radio Stations (which is even less interesting than that provided on television) - although, in hindsight, the revenues have to come from somewhere!

Tomorrow, I'm back to England for my 1-month review. I'm eager to see how much I've improved on my results from a month ago!

How to listen to Music with a Cochlear Implant.

2006-09-29T11:20:00.000+02:00

I thought I'd post this after a comment by Jennifer.

Using a cochlear implant is literally a learning experience, learning to hear in a new way all over again. I've learnt that the trick, about music, radio etc.. is, seeing your glass as half FULL as opposed to half EMPTY. If you have that attitude, you're already half way there. I have often emphasised that it's not perfect, music is sometimes a bit flat and weird, especially with music that usese large variations of pitch or if the singer has a high pitched voice, but it's so much better than nothing!

The trick, I found, is to start with something that is possibly instrumental - not classical as that is a bit too complex (even now I find it a bit hodge-podgey) - but possibly with one that uses base quite alot - seeing that most deaf people have I found the Shadows perfectly adequate for my initial needs (do you have them in the US) then moved to familiar music, and am once in a while listening to a song i don't know.

Keep your expectations low, and you're sure to be satisfied.

Mp3 player.. and credit card bill!

2006-09-28T15:36:00.000+02:00

I tested my MP3 player today. The silly thing is that MP3 players come with a 2.5mm socket and corresponding earphones, while normal headphones (and my audio cable) come with a 3.5mm plug. So I'm searching around for one, with limited success. As luck would have it, next week I'm off to England and I will be walking past a Maplin electronics store on the way to my appointment so I'll buy it there.

Yesterday, our credit card bill arrived, and it was SCARY! I couldn't but help feel guilty seeing how much we've been spending on my CI, which is one of the reasons why I'm really determined to make the best of it and to use it as well as possible and get as much as I can out of it. Luckily, next week I'll be using a staff ticket from my dad so the financial blow will be reduced somewhat, but I can't help but think about how much this all cost. So, if you're thinking about getting a CI, the cost is one of the things to consider. If you live abroad like I do, they go up correspondingly. I calculate that we've to spend about Lm660 (that's £1000) in taxes, surcharges and landing fees alone this year, and I'm not talking about airfares!

I think I'll find someone I can sell my left kidney to to make up! :(

Jean Michel Jarre

2006-09-26T13:12:00.000+02:00

I happened to be listening to some music, and out of the blue, I recognised the music from "Oxygene (Part IV)" by Jean Michel Jarre. Now, big deal you might say. However, it's one thing listening to a song that I can identify by the name - as memory plays a part, picking up the tune and linking what I am hearing to what I remember, but actually picking up the tune from what I am hearing and correlating it randomly what is in my memory is very different and much more different...

Is there anyone in the world who loves music as much as I do? My MP3 player arrived in the post today, can't wait :)

Sound quality

2006-09-25T13:07:00.000+02:00

Gradually, slowly, it seems that what I am hearing is sounding more and more normal by the day, with the notable exception of cars (which still sound like the demented horsemen of the apocalypse!) and children whilst throwing a tantrum (which sound like high-pitched, squawking dervishes), amongst other sounds. However, speech is pretty clear, and in most cases I can get along and understand. Funnily enough, people who tend to be soft spoken are best now, with loud people being more difficult to understand. I also found it interesting that the most unnatural sounding voice is my father's. My reasoning is that his is the one that is most familiar from my normal 'hearing' days, and the difference is distinct enough to be noticeable in my memory. I have never heard Mandy with my 'real' ears, for example, so I wouldn't know what she's really supposed to sound like.

Music is sounding more and more rounded by the day, although, inexplicably, some CD's sound very faint to the point of being inaudible. On the other hand, my Beatles CD sounds as good as it ever did, if anything, better. I can't believe I managed for so many years without music, maybe it's still a bit of a novelty for me but I can't put my CD player down, there's several CD's I've listened to daily since I started again. I've also invested in an MP3 player, which is, I believe, a more wieldy manner of listening to music than carrying around CD's like I'm doing now.

In the meantime, I'm wondering if maybe I need my volume to be bumped up next week when I'm over in Manchester?

This is my comments list for my new mapping session:

1) Children's voices - when they scream/shout sound metallic and grating - unbearably so at times. Also pitch goes downwards as opposed to upwards
2) Buses still whistle (but less so)
3) Music - some music sounds very faint - almost inaudible, in the intro then builds up. I remember the particular music and shouldn't sound so different in volume (actual tune sounds ok).
4) Males on the phone not as clear as females. Sometimes males sound muffled.
5) Music - sung music sometimes sounds flat but not always, tonal differences are not so obvious. Instrumental is perfect at times.
6) Battery consumption is approx 2.25 days. Availability of rechargeable ones?
7) Flap for accessory is flimsy. What happens if it comes off? (there's a sort of rubber flap covering the shoe for the personal audio cable. It's made of a cheapish looking rubber and I'm worried it'll come off eventually).

Music query

2006-09-22T11:24:00.000+02:00

Wondering out loud about this... do other implantees find music as good as I do? Currently, I'm listening to the Shadows, which is instrumental, and the depth of the music is incredible, far better than anything that I got with hearing aids, some others are not so good. I tried a Barbara Streisand CD and it was so-so. Maybe because the shadows is mostly using electic guitars which are supposed to sound electronic? I don't know. Whichever way, I'm not so bothered, I'm just curious.

Currently being played: Parisienne Walkways. Lovely! :)

Parenthood

2006-09-22T09:20:00.000+02:00

Am I the only parent that wishes that children come with 'off' switches?!?! Maria is SOOOO talkative, I never realised this. It's so sweet and touching, what I find amazing is that she sort of knows I'm hearing her. Before, she used to use her own sign language with me, and her own form of speech. She stopped doing that.

"Pa-pe-ri-no"(her pet name for me)
"What qalbi?" (that's what, my heart)
"Are you eating?"
"Yes I am."
"Are you hungry"
"Yes I'm quite hungry so I'm eating."
"Is your food good?"
"Yes it's good, it's like yours, eat it up like a good girl"
"mmmm.. I like chicken"
"So do I"
"I like potatoes"
"So do I"
"I like your cooking papa"
"So do I"
"I like pasta too"
"Can we see Flopsy?" (her pet rabbit)
"Not now, she's asleep."
"Is she asleep?"
"Yes she is."
"In bed?"
"Yes."
"Did she eat first?"
"Yes."
etc etc

Gradual Improvement

2006-09-22T08:09:00.000+02:00

I might not notice the improvement that I've been having when it happens, but I DO know there's an improvement that is happening. Yesterday, we met up with some friends, and normally, when I'm driving, the guys stays up front with me and the girl stays at the back to talk to Mandy. We met them on Sunday too - and I could then hear the conversation they were having, but not understand them. Yesterday, on the drive to Mdina where we spent the evening, I could not only hear them, I could *understand* too.. not all of the conversation, but enough to listen in and interrupt Mandy with words of wisdom - great fun :)

Something else that's interesting, I'm hearing my own cooking sound. I remember once seeing a chef on a TV programme saying that cooking is a mixture of all of the senses, including hearing. How right he is! I was fascinated to learn that when a sauce is almost thick enough to use, it starts to make a deeper boop boop sound, as opposed to a fizzing sound when it's boiling down. When the oil is ready in a pan for stir frying it starts to make a particular sound, I hear the water boiling in the pot for the pasta. Yesterday, I made a toastie (that's a sealed toasted sandwich) for Maria, my daughter, and I could hear the cheese sizzling and bubbling inside the toaster.

I must say that reaching where I am hasn't been easy. It's involved alot of determination and straining to hear different things, trying to identify them. Many sounds still sound distorted - buses still whistle, for instance, but I can hear the bus sound under the whistle now. But it's been so worth it!

Jennifer, thank you for your comments! I know how you feel - the apprehension, anticipation and excitement that builds up is very hard to keep under control. All I can say is, for the first day or so, you'll feel unsure that you made a good decision, I certainly did. But be patient, and work HARD on it. It will pay back, I promise. I've been deaf for 21 years, although not as deaf as I was when I had my operation, but I could never pick up the amount of sound I'm picking up now. As I am now, I have a 'mild' hearing loss that doesn't even need to be corrected. If you're lucky, you'll be the same. Good luck!

Music

2006-09-19T13:15:00.000+02:00

Music is so beautiful! I've just run down my second set of CD batteries since last Saturday. It's just awesome. At work, I spend the whole day just allowing the music to wash over me while I work. I don't think anyone in the world has a CD collection that has been so thoroughly dusted off.. I must be listening to about 6-7 hours solid of music every day (currently playing: Eleanor Rigby, by the Beatles, I "met" her in Liverpool a week ago when I saw a statue of Eleanor Rigby in the Cavern area). Not all music is clear, alas, and not all instruments. Some songs seem sort of muted, and the sound relatively flat. Some seems muffled, but some seems perfect. Some sounds perfectly natural - as it used to when I had normal hearing.

This journey has been so, so hard on the morale, it's been uphill throughout. Painful at times, difficult, heartbreaking... but just for the sake of hearing my daughter's voice and holding coherent conversations with her and listening to Paul McCartney singing about Father McKenzie writing the words of a sermon that no-one will hear... it was worth it. I heard Tragedy by the Bee Gees a few minutes ago.. I hadn't heard it for at least 21 years as it was never clear enough for me with the hearing aid.

For anyone who is currently in the process of obtaining a cochlear implant, I will not kid you and say the process is easy. When I am tired, sounds turn all horrid again. the process is nerve wracking and long. The initial switch on is almost disappointing, sounds are so terrible.. but with time, things cannot but improve. I've come very far in these 11 days and these are still early days, so I'm looking forward.

Cavatina, a reprise.

2006-09-18T12:08:00.000+02:00

If you have been following my blog for some time, you might be aware of a posting I made about Cavatina, my favourite piece of music. The posting is here. Anyway, at that time I was thinking out loud whether to take a CD of my favourite piece of music with me as a form of auditory therapy, for the simple reason that this particular music is very familiar with me. I still remember the sensation of wistful thinking, wondering if I would ever be able to hear that music again.

On Saturday, in the morning, I decided to pop the CD in my wife's CD player. At the worst, I would hear a jumble of sounds, and it would go back to the jewel case. I had a sense of deja-vu as I played exactly the same album I had played the first time when I lost my hearing, and tried music with my hearing aid, some 20 years ago. My dad had a CD by the Shadows, called String of Hits. I remembered the feeling of elation when I could hear music that time, albeit blurred and with the different chords merging into each other.

I went to the living room, put the CD into the player.. and pressed play. I held my breath.. and... the waves of music came through the processor and flooded my brain with those long-forgotten sensations, the sound of music.. I could practically feel the endorphins being released into my bloodstream... I felt goosepimples going down my spine and I shivered.. I felt tears going down my face as I realised that I could get every single chord of Hank Williams playing this most beautiful piece of music. I could hear the rhythm guitar, the drums, I could even hear the riff - even the resonance of the guitar - a sound I had forgotten about, it had been so long since I heard it. I was so thankful - here I was, just 4 weeks after my surgery for my cochlear implant, when I was, in hindsight, almost pathetically hoping for, at least, some improvement of speech perception, and now I was hearing my favourite piece of music for the first time in years. I felt a thirst, an urge to listen to every CD I had. I feverishly dusted off long-forgotten CD's and played them all. I played the Shadows - Saturday Night Fever - Eric Clapton - Queen - Sting... all sorts of music I hadn't heard for so long that were a balm on my soul. And that point, I felt a freedom, a joy in my heart I cannot start to describe on these pages. Through this miracle of technology, I was hearing again. I was ALIVE!

First day back at work at work

2006-09-18T08:25:00.000+02:00

Thursday was my first day back at work.. and an eye opener. My friends were so pleased to see me because they knew that effectively it was payback time for all of the hard graft of the past 2 years.

I was shocked to see how much I was understanding people. I couldn't believe that my understanding was so effortless and easy, in the noisy and echoing environment of our office. I explained everything to my friends and temporarily became flavour of the month, as my colleagues were fascinated by the technology involved in the cochlear implant (technology geeks never change!) I marvelled at the layers of sound in my office - the sound of the different telephones.. the mobile phones, the clicking of mice, the tappety-tap of keyboards. People's voices murmuring in the background. Someone's laugh from the distance. The door slamming when people came in. The rustling of the chocolate box (from the obligatory holiday chocs I brought). The ambulance in the distance through the double glazing, the rumble of traffic outside. It was amazing!

I decided to pick up the phone and call Mandy. And for the first time ever in our relationship, we had the seblance of a conversation on the phone. I felt on top of the world! Here I was, talking to Mandy on the phone, and understanding practically everything she was telling me! Amazing, for those of you who haven't experienced hearing loss, you've no idea what a triumph this was for me, being able to hear - and understand, my wife's voice on the phone.

Something else that was interesting. On the way to work, I obviously drove, and didn't hear the indicator ticking, and didn't consciously take any notice. When I got to work, I realise I hadn't heard it. On the way back, I looked for it and heard it, tick tick tick. After that, the clicking of the indicator was, well, part of the scenery!

In the evening we went to Mandy's brother's house. It was just wonderful, the only problem was Maria and my niece, Rebekah, obviously have a very high pitched voice, and this sounds very weird when they shout like all children do, so excited children's voices were just distorted into the cawing of a seagull reproduced through a battered loudhailer. Not pleasant at all. If anything, very horrible. That's something I must tell the CI department in the UK, maybe they can adjust that. What is interesting is that when a child's voice is raised, instead of the pitch going up, as expected, the tone becomes 'flattened' and becomes an electronic whine which is very grating. Not painful, not too loud, just, frankly the most horrible sound one can imagine. My first real let-down with the CI.

Last day in the UK

2006-09-16T15:57:00.000+02:00

On my last day in the UK, I met up with Karen who is a hearing therapist. She discussed my progess and was pretty pleased! We also discussed the accessories that one has with the implant.

The discussion then moved to the phone and music. First, music, she told me that some implantees can get a measure of pleasure from music, and that it was just a question of repetition and perseverance. I told her I was determined to get some music into me! Anyway, then we discussed the phone. She showed me three BT phones, all of which were amplified and suitable for a person with a hearing loss. She told me to put my speech processor on the T coil, and went to another room, and spoke to me. I was taken aback! I was understanding practically everything that she was telling me! Fair enough, she was speaking very clearly and I had a gist of what the subject was but I was amazed that I could understand her. We then tried out a mobile accessory that works similar to a hands free, and, while less clear than a normal phone, it too was clear and relatively understandeable.

We then left to 'face the world' for 3 weeks until my next appointment in the UK. After wasting time (frankly!) it was time for us to go to the airport. We checked in, after a minor hassle regarding the extra, small bag I had with my Cochlear Implant accessories (they wouldn't let me take it on board as it is still a strictly one small bag. We then went through the xray thingy (and I had a hand-scan) and we were in the departures. I was well aware of the "bing boong" that comes before the announcer says something. I cocked my head at one point and heard "bing boong.. may I have your attention please" - and there it was, my first full sentence heard - and understood through a speaker. After some time we boarded the plane and when we took off I realised how much my CI was turning the volume of the plane down. Much to my disappointment the landing was very muted - but a very reasonable price to pay!

We were met by my father in law who was overjoyed to see us. I was amazed to hear his car's sound on the drive back. When he accelerated it seemed to buzz and fart at the same time rather than the flat roar I was used to. I wonder if that's what the car is supposed to sound like now? The roads were clear and quiet at 3 am. We arrived at home, where my mother in law greeted me with the threat of quarreling with me even more now I can understand her, and then, I ran straight to Maria's bedroom where Maria was asleep in her bed. Together with Mandy, I woke her gently, and she opened her eyes and smiled. I waited with bated breath and then she spoke to me. I couldn't help getting emotional when I realised that even with her sleep laden sleep, I was understanding every single word she was telling me. It was working! Her voice was very distorted and strange and when she moved up to a higher pitch for some reason her voice sounded FLATTER rather than shriller, but I was understanding her! Such an emotional moment! I then literally collapsed into bed (it was about 345am) in preparation for a day's work the next day.

Day 6 - another map.

2006-09-15T16:22:00.000+02:00

I had another appointment today, this time with Amy. I filled her in with my progress so far and she was pretty pleased. My map was fine tuned slightly and I was switched on. Sounds were a bit better now! She replaced my third program (Whisper) with ADRO as I found Whisper particularly useless. Adro functions similarly to auto-sensitivity in that it automatically lowers volumes to a more comfortable level, while leaving the frequencies that speech is on untouched. When I told Amy about the acoustically challenging environment I work in (open plan, lots of people and tiled office) she felt that this was a good program for me.

Anyway, at this point she told me that it was the norm for people to do a test after a week to see how far they progress. She told me not to feel discouraged if my results were relatively poor. So I went in the next room and started the audiogram. Once concluded, Amy told me that with my CI I had a very minor hearing loss of about 10 decibels less than what a normal person would have - and on low tones I was at a normal level! This was flabbergasting to say the least! I could, in essence, hear anything louder than someone breathing from 3 metres away!

I then had the '80's gentleman test I had had a few months before. The results of that particular test can be seen here. Amy was so happy when she told me that my understanding was at 88% with lipreading and 41% without. This is just 5 days after my switch on so it was a triumph to say the least. I was so pleased with this! Even though I KNEW I was getting much more understanding of what was being said, this was proof for me that it was fact.

Day 5 - a milestone?

2006-09-15T16:18:00.000+02:00

Day 5 was a relative milestone. We went to Liverpool, and went on a walking tour (basically we just bought a £1.25 map from WH Smith that describes the route to follow around Liverpool!) We decided to have lunch in the Beatles local pub. There was background music in the Pub and I was now getting used to this novelty. However, a particular drum rift caught my attention and I realised that I knew that particular song... I told Mandy, "I know this song". She was surprised, and she told me that she didn't know what the song was, but she knew that it had a phrase going "Billy, don't be a hero, don't make a fool out of me". All of a sudden it clicked, and I remembered that part of the song was whistled. She confirmed this, and here I was, amazed that I was recognising music I hadn't heard for a very very long time, probably since I was a little boy.

Day 4 after switch on

2006-09-15T15:33:00.000+02:00

Not much to report from this day, but we went to York and took a Tour Bus around York, and I managed to get bits and pieces of the commentary on the bus.

I heard children's voices for the first time. Sounded terrible!

Switch on, day 3.

2006-09-15T08:31:00.000+02:00

Day three took us to the Lake District. The clickety click on the train was very distinctive and strangely pleasing to the point it was almost musical! I heard the conductor asking me for my tickets. As we got there, I asked the bus driver on a bus we got on for tickets to Bowness. He told me that I was on the wrong bus. Asked him for the bus number. he said same bus number, but see that it shows Bowness as it splits. I Got down, feeling like the cat that got the cream (or rather, than understood every word that was said!)

We got on the boat taking us to Ambleside, and I heard the seagulls cawing mournfully. I heard the chair we sat on squeaking, and heard the commentary (didn't understand it though). We got to Ambleside and walked to the town, a mile away. I could hear my trainers (sneakers for American readers!!!) making a sort of squeaky, rubbery sound on the tarmac. We bought a map and walked in the countryside. The sounds! I drank them down like a fine wine.. the skittering of the leaves blown by the wind on the ground.. the sound of the waterfall was more distinctly "waterfally" than the previous day too (we had seen a small waterfall at Lyme Park). My feet on the loam made a muffled flup flup sound. The leaves moved with the wind and made a whispery sound. We got back to the road and heard the mooing of a cow, the bleating of the sheep. I heard the juddering sound of a gate when we opened it. I noticed the click that my camera makes when I took a photo and the electronic sound (for lack of a better adjective!)

I felt revitalised, refreshed, relaxed. I didn't have to stare like a Zombie to understand speech anymore, so I was more mentally alert. I felt a new me flowing through my veins. Life is great!

Day 2

2006-09-14T13:45:00.000+02:00

My first day went past pretty rapidly, even though i was not quite prepared for the horrible, and I mean horrible, quality of sound that was reaching my brain. People's voices sounded like screeches, buses didn't sound like cars but whistled past, doors sounded like the gateways to hell, plastic bags sounded like a torture device that only the inquisitors could think up!

Day 2 post-switch on was basically more of the same of day 1, we went through the process of sorting out my map and raised the ranges somewhat to cater for my auditory nerve's newly found capacity for louder sound. At first the new map seemed a bit too loud so we lowered the volume a little, which was more comfortable. I was also loaded with 3 new programs, my processor at this time just had program 1 (default) and autosensitivity.

I also had whisper (which raises the volume of quieter sound) and beam added to my program list. We decided to spend the rest of the day at a beautiful stately home called Lyme Park. We caught a train (and was pretty pleased to hear the clickety click of the train wheels!) and I could vaguely hear the announcer announcing where we were. obviously not understanding a word but it was a good start. My mobile bleep bleep (the sound of the sms messages coming in) was also pretty distinctive. I could hear the prffffrrrt sound of the gas escaping from a cola bottle when I opened it. I heard the floorboards creaking when I walked, the tap running from the bathroom when I was in the bedroom in the hotel, I heard cars passing by three floors down in the hotel.. a lovely plethora of sound, if still unnatural and blurred.

Anyway, at Lyme park, I was fascinated to understand the people we spoke to, when we asked for assistance. Normally I would have hidden behind Mandy but i was, all of a sudden, gaining a new confidence in my hearing capacity and capability to understand complete strangers. The sound of my feet on the grass was exhilarating. The rustling of the trees, captivating, the burble of water in a fountain, fascinating (lots of ings in my vocabulary, all of a sudden!) Then, suddenly, I heard a sound from the distance and was taken a back. Surely that wasn't a bird? Yes it was... after 21 years I was hearing the sound of birds again.. that musical, beautiful tweet of a bird that was the first thing I noticed missing when I lost my hearing 21 years ago. I think this was the point when I thought, hey, I can do this! I was just amazed at the sound of the fountain at this particular place and I'll always remember Lyme Park as being the place when I started my slow trudge back to the hearing world again.

Switched on!

2006-09-14T09:34:00.000+02:00

Hi everyone, we're back from the UK! We got home at 3am Malta time so we're quite tired, but so happy that everything went well (opps, looks like I disclosed my story before it started then!)

Anyway, I will try and submit an entry for each day that we were in the UK.

On Thursday, 7th September Mandy and I boarded KM138 for Manchester. We were nervous, tired and already worried about our daughter, Maria who we left behind. Personally I was feeling positive but still apprehensive about what was in front of me - what I was going to find waiting for me, so to speak. After landing, we went to our hotel, and killed time for an hour until my appointment.

Upon arrival at the Cochlear Implant Unit at the University of Manchester, I was greeted by Deborah and Carina who were to proceed with my switch-on. I was hooked up with the computer, and things started relatively badly, as I was getting no response from the implant. Uhoh, I went, is my implant a dead duck before I've even started? Luckily, they noticed that my profile was the wrong one, and set for an old implant (which is the default implant for the software) and not the Cochlear Freedom. Once my profile was set up, communication was established with the implant, and the electrode picture showed the different electrodes lighting up and showing response. Relief!

We then proceeded through a sort of beep-beep test, where each electrode was set for my minimum and maximum levels. Once that was done, I had to show the comfort level for each sound I was hearing, ranging from very soft to comfortable but loud. Then final process was hearing three beeps which were supposed to be of a roughly identical level of noise. I noticed that my tolerance for mid-high tones was not as good as the other ones, but just slightly different.

Anyway, the 'magic' moment had arrived. Carina warned me that what I would hear would probably be very unpleasant and grating. I told her I was ready for this, as I'd been told by my friends from the implant world. Anyway, she promptly turned me on, there was a sort of tune which showed that the electrodes were functioning, then on I went.. and.....

NOISE! NOISE! HORRIBLE SOUNDS! I had been warned that it would be awful but I was taken aback by how BAD things sounded! As it is, I heard Carina AND Mandy talking and they sounded absolutely nothing like the normal. If I had to hear a Dalek with laryngitis speaking through a loud hailer, I think it would sound better! It was so bad I didn't realise I was actually hearing, my mind didn't accept it for a couple of seconds. Then I heard Carina move a plastic folder, and it make a horrid rustling sound, and I said, I heard that! then we proceeded to speak to each other to test that it was all functioning. All was well. After some more fine tuning, I went out into the NOISY, NOISY world! The door leading to the CI unit made a sound that wasn't remotely like the door, but sounded more like the wailing of the damned. Everything sounded so strange. My shoes made a fascinating squeaky scraping sound, my breathing was so noisy, my voice was awful, sounding like a drum beating when I spoke. Mandy sounded almost like a Mandy but in a very nasal, tinny way. Buses didn't sound anything like a bus at all - more like a farting squealing ghost. Then, Mandy made a test for me. She closed my eyes, and said something. I replied, Judge Judy (she had said Judge Gino, who is her boss, but it sounded like Judge Judy). She then said, Jelly Babies - I replied, relatively quizzically, German Babies?! this was all in a very noisy environment, 20 minutes after switch on. We got on a bus. Awful, grating screech when the brakes were applied. We caught a tram to Salford Quays. I was fascinated by the bleep bleep bleep bleep that the soon to close doors made. We entered the shopping village and I was inundated by sound - people talking, escalators, all sorts of noise. Then I was faintly aware of a repetitive sound. I asked Mandy, what's that? She told me it was the music played in the background. I was fascinated by this because I'd never heard 'muzak' before and I instantly understood why people hate it so much!

Leaving, I heard a rustling sound and I was amazed to hear that it was the leaves on trees, blowing in the wind. For some reason the sound of my shoes moving on a carpet fascinated me and I found myself like a two year old moving my foot and listening, soaking all the sounds up absorbing it all in and enjoying it. We then went to the food hall for a jacket potato and some fish and chips for me. The sound of the crunching of the fish in my mouth was fascinating, the squelch of the knife in the potato was quite strange too. All of a sudden I heard a horrible, screeching, sound - it was a woman placing all the chairs in their place and scraping them on the floor. Early days yes, but a move in the right direction. Conclusion - this is pretty difficult, but the hearing world is SO Beautiful!!!!

More to follow....

Switch on

2006-09-06T16:03:00.000+02:00

So the day is finally here, when we go to England again for the switch-on. The culmination, so to speak, of a 2 year journey towards obtaining a cochlear implant.

What am I expecting? At the best, tomorrow, some awareness of basic environmental sounds (keyboards clicking, indicators ticking etc), and maybe some consciousness of speech. I'm not expecting too much - I'm afraid to, just in case I get 'devastated' so to speak. Some people have gone into switch-ons expecting to be infused with kryptonite and suddenly hear ants walking outside the room when in fact it is very much more crude and sounds are just, well, vague sounds to begin with.

In some ways I'm glad Maria isn't going to be there - she's not coming with us by the way. My reasoning behind this is that I'll have already spent a week with my implant switched on when I see her, so I would be in a better position to be responsive to her voice.

I would love to take something with familiar sounds - some time back I wondered out loud about taking a CD of my favourite music with me, not to approach it from a musical sense of things - as I know it would sound horrid, but to try and trigger my auditory training somewhat "Oh, the sound I remember as being this way is now to sound that way from now onwards" - that kind of approach. But then, I think it is more important to focus on 'generic', ambient sound for the time being, after all, most of what people hear is ambient sound (noise?) I can say this for sure - I'll never be so glad to hear noise as I expect to hear tomorrow!

Am I excited? Well, to be honest, not really. Before one starts to look at me in an incredulous manner, it is still difficult for me (and Mandy, as has been seen from the previous post) to believe that I've actually been implanted and that tomorrow is, to use an expression I read once, "the first day of the rest of my life". I sometimes have to reach behind my left ear and feel the scar to realise that I'm not in a dream, that I'm not in that state of limbo I was in between January and May, not knowing if I was going to be accepted or not, or that condition of innocence, I would say, that I was in prior to my January assessment, or even my naivete of a couple of years back when I started this expedition, not knowing the trials and tribulations I was in for.

What have I gained? Amongst other things, knowledge of the people who really love me and respect me. I always knew Mandy loves me but she was so much of a backbone for me even when I was at my lowest, that I am in awe of her strength and love and caring. At times I felt she was even more committed to me getting the implant than I was - not, I hasten to add - to fix me, as she always loved me as I was, deaf or not, but because she knew that it was something I wanted so much. I have had the love and support of my family and friends that gave me an inner strength when I thought I could not reach into myself anymore, when I was faced with the terrible prospect of my slowly dying ears snuffing out and having no means to fix them. Having experienced such a terrible feeling is the reason why idiotic, puerile comments I've received such as me taking the easy way out really made my blood boil. Taking the easy way out would have been maintaining the status quo and sitting there like a frightened rabbit in the lights of an approaching car. Going through such an uphill trail and beating a path, the hard way, to getting the implant really is the HARD way, I believe. But anyway, I digress.

What else have I gained? I think I gained a certain self-respect that I had lacking for some time. I was terrified of the prospect of four weeks of silence more than I was of the surgery itself. I was convinced I'd be banging my head against the wall after being taken over by tinnitus. As it is, I made it. How, I don't know. But I made it, and it is a matter of pride for me.

I have also been driven by a personal commitment, to help people who are undecided about cochlear implants, to make a reasoned decision. The kind of incredibly uninformed, sometimes stupid comments I've received from people both in the 'real-world' as well as the online one have spurred me to provide an information source about cochlear implants, in an unbiaised manner, but at the same time in a first person sense. "The doctor cut your nerve didn't he?" "Oh I don't want to have a cochlear implant because it's brain surgery" "cochlear implants are made by evil horrid doctors out to make a fast buck out of defenceless, helpless deaf people" - I would love to become a volunteer, an advocate so to speak, to do my bit to eradicate this information short-circuit. I wonder how to do this - does anyone know how this is done?

Anyway, I doubt I'll be able to comment on the blog on a daily basis, but I'll try and keep track of what happens while I'm in the UK, and will report, hopefully, in a week's time. For now, it's over and out.

Love

Ivan

Switch on day is tomorrow!

2006-09-06T13:02:00.000+02:00

Switch on day is finally here. It is funny that even though we have been waiting for this to happen for so long, I still have difficulty to believe that it is finally here. Ivan has been one strong person during this waiting. He is not hearing a thing right now, and yet he has managed to get through these four weeks in an impressive way. I can count the times that I heard him complaining on the fingers of one hand. You would not tell what a difficult period this has been for him, and I only realise how hard it must be for him when I force myself to imagine me in his situation.

Ivan, you have demonstrated enormous strength of character. To say that you have made me proud is a gross understatement. I believe that you deserve a turn of events in your life now. I am so glad that you have such a wonderful opportunity awaiting you. We are onto something very exciting:) I pray that all goes well tomorrow, and that you enjoy your journey to regaining sounds. More than anything, I count the days until we return home from the UK so that you hear Maria’s voice. I have decided to wake her up when we return, even though it will be the middle of the night. She sounds great Ivan:) Well done Ivan, the waiting is over for you my dear. Now you have so much to look forward to!

Another CI manufacturer

2006-09-05T09:07:00.000+02:00

I found another manufacturer of Cochlear implants by chance - Neurelec. They have a 20 channel BTE and body-worn implant, and are based in France, with offices in the UK, Germany and the Middle East. If someone has been implanted with this device do let me know as I'm interested in knowing more about it.

Time left until Cochlear Implant Switch on

2006-09-04T10:47:00.000+02:00

There's another 69 hours to go until we fly off to Manchester.

Now, of those 69 hours, I spend 9 hours a day X 3 at work.. thus 27 hours accounted for.

8 hours a day X 3 are spent asleep, thus 24 hours.. totalling 51 accounted for.

Of the remaining 18 hours, I spend about 20 minutes a day making lunch for work (and school) us. For 2 more days, that's 40 minutes.

I spend 20 minutes driving each way to work. Another 5 trips are left, leaving 100 minutes.

That's 140 minutes or 2 hours, 20 minutes. 15 hours, 40 minutes unaccounted for.

I spend about 90 minutes a day cooking and eating supper and cleaning the places. 4.5 hours.

Leaving 11 hours, 10 minutes.

I spend about 40 minutes grooming every day.

Leaving 9 hours, 10 minutes left to fill in from now until take-off. Oh, there's the time getting to the airport, checking in etc - 2 hours.. thus a grand total of 7 hours 10 minutes left to fill in.

Why am I doing this stupid maths? Because I can't wait for the time to be over. It's been tough, not hearing anything!

Silence is Golden.

2006-08-29T13:11:00.000+02:00

Well, in reality, it's not. For the first time in my life I know what it's like to be *truly* deaf, completely, stone-cold deaf. As deaf as I would be, for instance, on the moon or on Planet Pluto (oh sorry, I mean dwarf planet Pluto, based upon what happened last week!). All I hear currently is the humming of my tinnitus in one ear and the hissing in the other. Interestingly enough I can affect the volume of tinnitus by lying down. When I lie down it becomes almost silent in my left ear.

There was a gentleman on another website, who blogs about his son's cochlear implant. He (somewhat wistfully) wishes his son is in a position to tell him what it's like. My thoughts on the matter were really that for this particular child, hearing through his cochlear implant is going to be so fait accompli that he would not really know what it is like to be really deaf. True, as the correspondent replied to my comment, when he removes his speech processor he is deaf again - however, I still feel that there is no comparison between the deafness that is assisted (by means of a hearing aid or a cochlear implant) to the silence brought on either by choice through the refusal to use assistive devices, or that in situations like my current one when I have no means to actually hear anything as my remaining hearing has been destroyed. It is a world of difference - you are in effect 'hearing implaired' when you wear an assistive device, deafness is what I am experiencing right now. The sense of isolation, of detachment, of solitude, of forming just part of yourself and not part of society is remarkable. I wonder if what I feel is what is felt by astronauts who space walk - they can see the world but at the same time, barring the placenta tying them to their spaceship, they are in a complete, unitary universe with a population of one.

Response to a comment

2006-08-25T11:03:00.000+02:00

I am responding to a comment made by a reader of my blog. I was responding via another comment but then I realised it was too long, so I decided to post about this. this is the original comment:

Please do not do it!

Deaf children have human rights but were forced to have cochlear implants because of parents decision or doctor decision. Children are not property .. they are humans who can be proud of deafness. Deaf children do not need hearing aids or cochlear implants to communicate ... they can communicate or be educated .. they can learn sign language and parents can learn this as well.

Doctor just want create cochlear implants because of profit, and just want to be selfish because they want to see to cure deafness - that is selfish

http://deafpositive.blogspot.com

And this is my reply:

John, I respect your opinion, in fact have several deaf friends who are against cochlear implants in principle (I'm meeting some of them this very evening) and I respect their opinions too, however, I have with my own eyes seen many children with cochlear implants, and none of them seem to be irritated by them or hate them, even though they were 'forced' upon them by their parents. I've seen them come straight out of the sea and clamouring for their parents to put their processor back on. They hate the silence that removing the implants leaves. I have seen and heard how they communicate and integrate with the whole world. On the other hand I have seen how deaf children without implants (and with hearing aids) interact with the rest of the world and the difference is huge. And believe me, no child is a possession, I agree, but do you honestly think that a doctor has a right OVER the parents? No way - the parents have a right over their children, to protect, nurture, care for and to take decisions for. My wife and I take decisions for our daughter that are just as far reaching as making a cochlear implant. Which innoculations to give her, for instance, or the kind of schooling or upbringing. Implanted children integrate much better in the real world because they have a sense replicated to represent one that is in existence in the average, normal human being. I am deaf, I am proud to be deaf, but nobody can deny that I am at a disadvantage to the rest of the world because of my deafness.

As to sign language, I find it important, I know some sign language - enough to get along, but even the most ardent sign language supporter will realise that it's not enough. Can you go, for instance, to the Pharmacy, and ask for a spray for your sinuses that is suitable for, say, an allergic reaction to chlorine? How would you sign that to a signer, let alone a pharmacist who doesn't sign? Frankly, sign language is useless outside the deaf community. Our language here in Malta is broadly similar. I speak fluent Maltese, and I am proud of my language and the fact that a country as small as mine has a language and others as big as, for example, the States don't have their own. But what if I were to say, Maltese is enough for me, I don't need any other. What would I do when I go abroad? point at a picture book? No, I also know other languages that give me the opportunity to communicate with a wider audience. In its essence and in its appropriate medium, Maltese is fine, but outside its boundaries, I might as well speak in Swahili.

In education, I am a firm believer in total communication for deaf children - i.e. both Sign AND oral, then the sign can be discontinued if the child wishes, which, from what I understand, is normally the case. This is the practice being followed in the UK from what I can gather.

Finally, the last part - i.e. that doctors do it for profit, I really cannot disagree with you more about this. My doctors here in Malta knew that if they recommended me for an implant, in essence they were losing me as a patient as I don't go to them anymore but a different doctor. Of course, sometimes doctors do operations for a profit (everyone does his job for a profit, outside a nun or priest!!!) but how would you explain the doctors on the NHS/Medicaid system who are paid the same irrespective of the number of operations they do, or don't do? Are they in it for a profit too?

Bluntly, deafness is a disability - I am a disabled person and will be for the rest of my life, unless they find some form of miracle cure. There's no avoiding this subject and there's no beating about the bush. Like all aberrances from the norm, people try to fix it. Put it this way, I am short-sighted, so logically, I shouldn't wear my spectacles, right? I should be proud I'm short-sighted and not worry when I bump into a lamp-post because I didn't notice it there, or a car knocks me into next week as I couldn't see it without my specs. Does this make sense?

John, please don't feel that I am 'angry' or dismissive of your opinions, because I've had these 'arguments' with my friends many a time. There was even a time when I myself was not in favour of cochlear implants, when they were at their experimental stage, would you believe me? I am happy for you that you are so accepting of your situation and have a good, happy life as you are, but that doesn't give anyone the right to dictate what other people do - any more than it allows me to tell someone against cochlear implants in principle, "NO! You should get one as it is stupid to remain deaf" - I will never do that.

On the other hand I think that so much misinformation is out there about Cochlear Implants that I really do get annoyed about it all. It's one of the reasons why I set up this blog really.

Switch-on in 2 weeks time

2006-08-24T08:15:00.000+02:00

I've got my switch on coming up in 2 weeks time and very frankly I can't wait. When you're waiting for something time really moves slowly! Hopefully at this time we'll be on Air Malta KM138, somewhere over Sardinia, on the way to Manchester. Switch on is at 1:30pm.

In the meantime, the bump where the implant is has gone down to an extent that it literally feels like a normal skull protusion. The scar has healed completely and it seems to be fading away, even. Tinnitus is still blaring away merrily. Sounds vaguely like Arabian music now.

Silence is such a drag... I can't understand how snakes don't get fed up!

2 weeks after cochlear implant...

2006-08-22T10:58:00.000+02:00

Or thereabouts... actually it's 2 weeks since I was admitted at hospital. 2 weeks ago right now we were frantic trying to see whether I would actually be admitted in hospital or not, as a bed wasn't available at this point in time.

So far, I've been OK, I'm back at work again. Sometimes I get a little tired (yesterday was my first day back at the office and I found it quite tiring) and I've had a slight dizziness on 2 occasions (today included) but barring that, I'm fine. Tinnitus is somewhat louder than usual, but sometimes I wonder whether it is happening because I do not have a hearing aid to drown out the noise. Who knows?

It's getting a bit difficult at times to cope with not hearing anything. I'm OK with it all but I'm finding time moving along quite slowly. I think being back at work helps somewhat but I can't wait to get the switch on over and done with and our lives back.

Mandy's much better now - she was sick last week, all the stress and worry and back and forth was too much for her and she came down with every bug on the planet aside from HN51! Maria is not so obnoxious anymore as she's got her cycle back into operation, she's going to summer school and playing with her friends and in general has has the little monsterness squeezed out of her.

Now I have to book a blasted hotel (as usual there's a complication involved!) as the Ibis where we wanted to stay doesn't have availability for a particular night.

Back in Malta

2006-08-19T15:35:00.000+02:00

We're back home again! I couldn't update my blog as I had some internet problems (subscription ran out while I was away) but anyway, here's the update. I'm amazed that I recuperated from the cochlear implant surgery so quickly. I was a bit woozy for a few days, as I described previously, but all in all I've managed fine. I just got a little tired somewhat faster than normal, but all in all, I'm doing great.

We visited Fleetwood, where took in an outlet village over there and did a substantial amount of shopping (!) Although Mandy didn't let me buy the really cool bottle opener (because it cost Stg 18) not the grill I wanted to buy (Stg 20) - she doesn't understand/appreciate kitchen gadgets. I guess you've got to be a guy to do that. We also went around Cleveleys which is a small, pleasant town. There's not much there really but it's so quiet and relaxing, close to the sea. I was fascinated to see the tide coming in very rapidly as that doesn't happen in Malta. Blackpool - as tacky as ever but great fun, was also taken in. I tried whelks which I liked but their texture was a little rubbery for my taste. We obviously also went to Manchester, and spent an afternoon at Salford Quays.

On Tuesday I had an appointment with my surgeon. He checked my wound and pronounced it healed. I was amazed to be advised that I could just go back to normal, just avoiding heavy weights for the time being (which suits me fine - no shopping for me :) ). He was so nice and down to earth, frankly I didn't think he was a surgeon at first as he looked so, well, normal - notwithstanding his obvious intelligence and skill. He was patient enough to explain why my face swelled up (because a second, earth electrode is implanted just above the ear, where the sideburns are). We took a picture with him, and he even suggested that I take a picture of the x-ray which shows the electrodes in place. I obviously accepted, and when I didn't take the picture well he even took it for me himself. A wonderful guy, so if anyone from the UK is due to be operated by Mr M. Neeff (I didn't get his first name) -you're in very safe, capable hands.

We flew back on Wednesday, an exhausting experience as Maria (my little daughter) was a little hyper that day, and the situation in the UK at airports didn't help much. Our flight was delayed and it was 2am by the time we were on the road home to the airport. Luckily my dad arranged for some help for us with suitcases, as a friend of his met up with us and picked up our suitcases for us. As soon as we got home I just couldn't stay awake if you paid me.

The scar is now fully healed, it's a thin, maybe 1-2mm wide scar in the form of a straightened S...about 15 cm long. it is about 1cm away from the natural crease of my ear, starts about 1cm further down from my earlobe and ends about 3cm above the tip of my ear.

The lump where the implant is can be felt very much, though the swelling has gone down over the past few days. Until a couple of days ago I couldn't sleep on the implant side as the sensation of the swelling against the pillow and my skull was, well, strange and unpleasant. I do not have any pain, just a slight twinge every once in a while, which is manageable. I also have a numb point where I believe the scalpel went in, but it's not too bad. All in all, I got off quite lightly. I had a slight numbness in my earlobe but sensation is already coming back over there.

As it is, everything has gone very well, the only difficulty has been, well, being as deaf as a stone. It's hard not hearing anything apart from tinnitus. I feel sort of detached and apart from my surroundings, as if I'm in a glass bowl or in a soundproof room. I've found myself trying to imagine certain sounds such as the water running when I'm washing the plates, or the door closing when I shut it, or my daughter's voice or Mandy's, when the speak to me. I've been getting a little tired due to my total reliance on lipreading, but I'm actually quite surprised I've done so well so far. We'll see on Monday when I go back to work!

That's it for now, so I'm off again to watch the Godfather (my surgery treat from Mandy - collectors' edition!) and to listen to my tinnitus. I'll keep in touch.

Just 2 weeks 5 days to go, can't wait.

One more update

2006-08-12T18:17:00.000+02:00

Here we are again! It's 72 hours from surgery and I've improved in leaps and bounds. Last night I had what I can call the first semi night of sleep.. I was having substantial swelling on my face to the extent we got concerned, so we called the hospital and the doctor suggested I take Ibuprofen anti-inflammants.

So I'm much better, but my face still looks weird, my left ear is slightly out of kilter, and it seems to have moved down about 3-4 mm! I look like flopsy the rabbit. I'm getting my strength back to the point I'd say I'm about 80-90% of my usual self, I do get a bit tired though by the end of the day, and since I'm relying 100% on lipreading my mind gets sapped pretty quickly.

I can barely believe it's already 4 days since I was admitted. Considering we haven't been doing all that much over the past few days, it's been a whirlwind. What I felt about the surgery? Well, on the day itself, I felt terrible, I really did. Terrible nausea - threw up about 7-8 times, and the most painful part of it all was actually being injected in the bottom with anti nausea drugs.

I'm starting to feel the internal stitches popping and stretching, which is to be expected as I've got soluble stitches. I have a lovely arch of a haircut, about 1/2 inches above the tip of my ear. The hair is already growing back it will be some time before I can model in Vogue ;)

I am also ashamed to say I *did* find religion when I got to the operating theatre. I was scared. I am not ashamed to say that I've never been so scared in my life. I just found myself doing the sign of the cross and I remember the last things going through my mind was the Hail Mary. A bit hypocritical of me, I know.

I was touched to see that so much of our family and friends prepared get well cards for me. Mandy was super, co-ordinating it all. Ray, Mandy's brother also printed a photo for me of Maria as I thought I wouldn't have a picture of her for hospital.

What was hardest? Leaving my daughter. I can safely say it was the hardest thing I've ever done in my life. I had tears in my eyes at that point - tears of stress, emotion, fear, distress I would say, separation, and the knowledge that I wouldn't be hearing my daughter's voice the 'proper' way ever again. Heartbreaking.

The easiest? Apart from leaving the hospital itself (!) I would say the post-surgery part. I expected it to be much more painful and awful. Mandy took some photos of me and I look terrible but I actually felt alot better than I looked.

Update

2006-08-11T11:17:00.000+02:00

I'm now in a position to provide a relatively better update than the one supplied a day or two ago.

On Tuesday I had a scare because in the morning there was no certainty that a bed would be available for me. Finally, at 1pm we called and I was admitted to Bed 24, Ward C in the Head and Neck Surgery Unit at the Manchester Royal Infirmary. I was very apprehensive to say the least. Hospitals are always intimidating and I'm no hero, I must admit.

Anyway the nurse was so nice, explaining the rules and regulations - and I was really upset to hear that visiting hours were 2-8pm, with no exceptions. So effectively this meant that Mandy couldn't stay with me while I was waiting for surgery. Anyway, I settled in for a relatively sleepless night. I woke up in the morning, already somewhat thirsty but not permitted to take anything by mouth.

A lovely doctor came and interviewed me, he was so nice and helpful. He passed me through the surgery and he gave me such an impression of confidence and the feeling that this was all matter of fact and fait accompli. Anyway, I put these horrible sort of bedsocks and disposable undies and a gown on, and settled down to wait. I was very restless, I just couldn't relax. I was told that they would turn up for me at around 10am. I was checked for my vitals - heart, blood pressure etc. All was well. A doctor told me my blood tests and all vitals were fine and all systems were go for surgery and that I was next in line for surgery (only one person before me).

At around 1020, the orderly came and wheeled me into the prep area of the operating theatre. I must admit that at this point I was petrified. You know you're going to be OK but you can't help being scared. I arrived in the theatre area and was greeted by my anaethesist and a theatre nurse, who passed me through the whole process again, the consent, etc. At 1030 I entered the prep area. At around 1035, I took off my spectacles, took a deep breath off and took my hearing aid off. For the record, the last thing I heard with my poor, damaged ears was the anaethesist telling me that all would be OK and that they were injecting me with a muscle relaxant. Very apprehensive, I looked up and started at the soffit ceiling, not quite realising that I was slowly being fed the anaethetic. The next thing I remember was a hodge podge - I was in the recovery area talking to a nurse then I promptly lost consciousness. I came round again terribly nauseous and dizzy.. vomited several times, was coming back and forth from consciousness. I didn't have any pain at that point, just discomfort from the very tight head pack I was wearing.

I was told I was being taken to the ward. I nodded. Fragmented images of being led into a lift.. nausea.. unconscious.. awake again and seeing Mandy's smiling face and my father next to her.. smiled to them both to let them know I was ok.. I drifted back and forth from unconsciousness. Sick again.. a slight pain. Doctor came to speak to us.. couldn't stay awake.. drifted away again.. feel terrible.. pain in the back of my ear.. tautness from the stiches... all OK Ivan, there was full insertion, no problems, otosclerosis was not a serious problem.. happy.. back to the land of nod again...

Woke up again, my father telling me they had to leave, couldn't believe I'd been drifting back and forth for about 9 hours.. tried to eat soup, no strength.. weak, sick.. slept again.. SMS's back and forth to friends and family. Woke again at 1133. Nausea gone, told Mandy I was better. Rested again.. drifted to and out of sleep all night, not quite sleeping, uncomfortable.

Woke again in the morning, a doctor came to see how I was and I was much better. They removed the pack and it was such a relief, had to take 2 paracetamol due to the headache of the tight bandage. Wound seems to have closed nicely. Went for an xray. Tinnitus very very loud coming and going in waves. Too lethargic to care, really. Xray was a bit uncomfortable due to head position, was a bit painful. Went to the ENT ward and to my surprise I found my surgeon hadn't been Mr Saeed but Mr Neeff, a German surgeon. We met up with him and confirmed placement of the electrode was as it should be. A very nice man indeed, very confident and patient. I was sent home after my third shot of antibiotics (couldn't stop going to the toilet because of them). Pain increasing to the point I needed painkillers. Taxi drive back home was terrible, I felt tired and drained. As soon as we got home got invigorated.

that's the first couple of days gone! Oh, switch on is on the 7th September, quite some time away alas

operation a success

2006-08-10T10:43:00.000+02:00

i m posting this from hospital. in brief op was a success and full insertion achieved. a bit of pain nothing yoo bad. loud tinnitus though

Last post before we leave

2006-08-05T20:12:00.000+02:00

Tomorrow morning at 745am, we leave for what I hope is a new dawn for us, or rather, I would say a sunset to precede a new dawn.

I would be lying if I said that I'm not scared. The operation itself isn't exactly fun and there are risks inherent to any form of surgery, of course. I'm sure things will be ok - I'm just scared of those 2-4 weeks I'll have until I get switched on. I don't know what to expect really.

What am I feeling right now? I'm in a state of mourning, to be quite honest. I'm mourning the loss of the little bit of hearing I have left, I'm mourning the death of my ears so to speak. They were ailing, just like an old man in an old people's home, barely keeping hold onto life, but dammit, they're MY ears, not a robot's. I don't have second thoughts about the operation, not all all... but I just wish I didn't need to have it. I know it sounds like self-pity - but it's not really.... I'm game for anything, but I just wish for something impossible..

I've been trying to save the sound of people I care for in my mind, because I don't know if I will ever hear them in the same way again. I doubt I will actually, for better or for worse. For some reason I feel as if I'm going for a very long trip and might not see people for a long time. Farewells have been awkward rather than positive. Everyone has promised me their prayers and thoughts but for some reason I just wanted to keep the goodbyes short, like when you have a much-loved relative who is going abroad for a very long time.

I'm not particularly religious, and am not inclined to discover religion now that I'm 'in the time of need', but I do very much appreciate people telling me that they will hear Mass for me or pray for me or recite the rosary for me. I feel I've got the virtual support of so many friends and family throughout Malta and in other countries - people I have never met, and indeed might never ever meet.

Mandy especially has provided me with such strength and support through the months.. especially between January and May when I didn't know where I stood.. those were terrible days. To cap it all, the poor girl has her birthday on my op date. Maybe we can celebrate a dual birthday? Anyway. I'm ready for it, so I'm bracing my chin and ready to face the music, so to speak. So pipe on, Mr Piper.. I'm ready.

Cochlear Freedom Mini BTE Further information

2006-08-03T14:23:00.000+02:00

The Cochlear Freedom Mini BTE is now available in the United States, so it's a matter of time before it comes to Europe. The differences seem to be more in size (it's about 6mm smaller) and battery usage (it uses 2, as opposed to the 3 used by the Freedom - if I'm not mistaken). However, batteries last a maximum of 4 days as opposed to 5 for the normal Freedom, but it's still cheaper to run in the long run.

Another piece of good news is that rechargeable batteries are also available in the States, for both the standard Freedom as well as the new mini BTE. Apparently you can get up to 3 days of battery usage with rechargeables, which is pretty good. Apparently, batteries hold up to 80% of initial capacity after 365 charges, and 70% after 1000, so I would think they'd need replacing after about 2-3 years. If they're reasonably priced enough then they might just be perfect, cheaper, and no need to carry around loads of battery dials if you're abroad.

No news as to when it will be available in Europe though, sorry.

Sources:
http://www.cochlearamericas.com/Products/19.asp
and
http://cochlearupgrade.com/faq.asp

Scalped!

2006-08-02T13:01:00.000+02:00

I just had a crew-cut yesterday.. I look totally different. Between having 2 mm long hair (prison cut so to speak) and using my contact lenses to get used to them (so far so good) I look totally different. Do I like the 'new me'? Maybe.. Mandy does :)

To do list for surgery

2006-07-31T13:50:00.000+02:00

While I was researching for information regarding wearing spectacles immediately after cochlear implant surgery, I found the following:

http://www.hearinglossweb.com/Technology/CochlearImplants/CI_Information/tips.htm

this is a very detailed list of tasks and tips for things to be done prior to, and immediately after, cochlear implant surgery.

I thought other people might find it useful.

100th Posting!

2006-07-31T13:32:00.000+02:00

I've reached my 100th posting in my blog :) Looks like I have a bit more to talk about than I thought I did!

Anyway, my latest quandiary right now is what to do with regards to my specs. I wear specs, and the bit at the end of the arm is hooked behind the ear. As it is, this presses against where I expect the would will be, and I don't think this is a very good idea. I have got a set of contact lenses that I will use, but I don't relish the thought of wearing contacts from sunrise to sundown. I don't think it's a good idea to wear contact lenses when I've just been operated (imagine, bleary with anaesthetic and putting a contact lense in my eye.. poking it out is more like it!)

Does anyone have any ideas? The obvious one is to remove the arm from the specs but I think they'd just fall off!

Time Fast Approaching

2006-07-28T22:48:00.000+02:00

Ivan’s operation is fast approaching now. We are so ready to go! So far I have been feeling quite calm about what awaits us. My in-laws will be there for Ivan’s operation. They will be flying one week before us. Yesterday we met with up with them, and next time we will be seeing them again we will actually be at Manchester airport. This was a big reminder of how close this operation is. That did scare me a tiny weeny bit (or maybe a lot).

However I want to be strong. I am a firm believer in inner strength and positive thinking. I was told that I will be allowed to stay with Ivan until the anesthetic takes its effect. I have been promising myself that I will put on a very brave face for him. I am determined to stay positive, this operation has very high success rates, I believe cochlear implant is a means to better one’s situation, and I really want this for Ivan. We have been waiting for this moment for a long time, and now that it is almost here I do not want to ruin things by worrying too much. Yet, I do have to admit that I will breathe a lot better when Ivan is out of the operating theatre. Ivan was operated upon once before, and I was hugely relieved when the surgeon came out to speak to us after the operation. I may sound like a chicken, but I am scared of the operation itself. However, although the operation time will be a difficult waiting period for us waiting outside, I want to try to keep thinking about the outcome of this whole procedure. I plan to take my sudoko book, a good John Grisham book and lots of coins to buy lots of coffees to while away the time while Ivan is in the operating room. My mum and my best friend will also be at the hospital, so I am very lucky in that respect.

In the meantime, we are having a very hot summer in Malta, I think that operation being in summer time is a bonus, as we do tend to go out and do a lot more things in summer than in winter, hence time seems to go by much faster.

By the way.....Happy Birthday Dear Ray xxxxxxxxxx

Tea Tree wipes

2006-07-24T08:45:00.000+02:00

Someone mentioned using tea tree wipes to keep the surgery wound clean. This is interesting, since we're in mid-summer over here, and it obviously gets hot (understatement of the year) you obviously get sweaty, and I'm not keen on sweat going into that incision.

Must ask the surgeon about this, but if someone has heard about it and/or used it I'd be grateful for the information.

New member to our family.

2006-07-24T08:41:00.000+02:00

We have a new member added to our family, but he won't be blogging just for now. Before you start preparing the new baby cards, no it's not a baby - or rather, not a human one.

We have a new baby rabbit called Flopsy. He (she?!) is brown, cute as a button and greedy as a pig. He eats all the time - he eats up all his hay first - more or less the volume of his own body (how it all gets into him is another question!) and then eats the dried food, then guzzles away at the water bottle. I've no idea how old he is, but he's brown and quite friendly. This morning when I went to check on him and top up his food (this is becoming a daily thing!) he greeted me by coming to nibble my finger gently. I don't think I'll be eating rabbits very often from now onwards!!

PS Mandy's on Comino with her friends. Lucky monkey!

Conchiglioni Ripieni con Zucca - Stuffed Pasta Shells with Pumpkin

2006-07-20T08:51:00.000+02:00

This is a recipe for what we call Gnocchi in Malta. These are the pasta shells that are stuffed with a savoury filling, and are not the gnocchi made from potatoes. This is a delicious, if somewhat fiddly, recipe.

For conversion of the quantities please refer to the following website: http://www.onlineconversion.com/

Pasta Shells
250g dried Conchiglioni
750g pumpkin, sliced, skin on
50g grated parmesan
50g dried breadcrumbs
1 egg, beaten
nutmeg to taste
salt and pepper
Fresh sage, chopped (optional)
Sunflower oil

Tomato Sauce
2 kg fresh tomatoes, peeled and chopped (to peel - cut a cross at the bottom, pour boiling water over and leave for about 8 minutes - the skin comes off easily)
2 cloves garlic, chopped
1 teaspoon sugar
1/2 teaspoon salt
1 tablespoon red wine vinegar
olive oil

Heat the oven to 210C. lightly oil the pumpkin and season with salt and pepper. Roast it in the oven until the edges are browned and the pumpkin is soft.

In the meantime, boil the pasta shells for 10 minutes, extract from the water and pour cold water over them to stop the cooking process. Drain, and cover with a damp cloth until ready to use them.

Let the pumpkin cool, then scrape it off the skin into a food processor. Process until smooth, adding the egg, parmesan, breadcrumbs, a rasping of nutmeg and seasoning. Let the filling rest in a cool place for at least 2 hours - this allows it to set.

While the filling rests, make the tomato sauce. In a deep frying pan, cover the bottom with olive oil (about 3-4 tablespoons). When the oil is warmed, add the garlic, when it is softened add the tomatoes. As the tomato starts to thicken, add the salt, sugar, pepper and vinegar. Simmer until thickened and delicious looking!

Turn on the oven again and heat to 190 C (or 180 C if using a fan assisted oven)

Stuff the gnocchi with a spoon (time consuming!) or a pipe.

Once the sauce is simmering away and the stuffing has rested, oil a pyrex dish lightly. put the gnocchi inside, cover with tomato sauce, and place on the middle shelf of the oven for about 40 minutes. 10 minutes before they're ready, you can add some more grated cheese to the surface.

Once it's done let it rest 5 minutes before serving. Yumm!